Hunter

[9Catsz]

All Kinds of Love

Rating: PG-13

This takes place a few weeks after Screwed. Olivia and Elliot have it out and Olivia and Dean get closer. . . .

There are VI parts to this fic.


Part I - The First Date. . . .

It was Friday evening and Olivia was having second thoughts. She sat at the bar wondering exactly why it was she asked Dean Porter to meet her there. She was halfway through her beer but it now sat forgotten, getting warm. It’s just a drink and maybe a bite to eat, she thought to herself. It’s not like it’s a date or anything. But she couldn’t get rid of the butterflies in her stomach. Butterflies that started earlier that day the moment she dialed his number. He’d asked her out three times since they’d met at IAB and every time something came up and she had to cancel. This morning he’d sounded really happy to hear from her and agreed to meet her without the slightest bit of hesitation. He was interested in her, she was sure of it. What she wasn’t sure of was how he was interested in her. Did he want a relationship or was it purely a physical attraction? She had to ask herself that same question. Do I want a relationship with him or just a roll in the hay? She smiled a sly smile at the thought of having sex with him.

Dean Porter walked into the bar and scanned the faces until he found hers. She was sitting alone staring at the counter in front her, her index finger absentmindedly tracing lines in the condensation on the outside of the bottle. He watched her for a few moments, admiring her. She had an intense look on her face and he couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking. Then her lips turned up into the very slightest of smiles, almost like she was sharing a joke with herself. He walked over to where she was sitting and sat down beside her, making sure his shoulder slightly brushed against hers as he sat. “Hey Gorgeous.” He couldn’t believe he’d just said that but it was the first thing that came to his mind and slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

She looked at him, her sly smile growing into a full grin. “Gorgeous?” She laughed. “I worked 12 hours today and I’m dead tired. Gorgeous is not the word I’d use to describe my appearance at this very moment.”

“I am entitled to my opinion, aren’t I?”

She hesitated for a second and thought, what the hell flirt with the guy. “I guess I’ll let you have an opinion.” She touched his arm in a flirtatious manner. “This time.”

Dean swallowed hard. “Uh thanks, I think.” As soon as he said that, he started admonishing himself. That was lame. I wonder if she thought it was lame too?

There was an awkward silence between them and then they both started talking at once.

Dean: “What did you want to see me about?”
Olivia: “I’m starving, let’s get some food.”

They both laughed and again talked at the same time.

Dean: “You wanna get a table?”
Olivia: “I wanted to thank you.”

They laughed again and for the third time they both opened their mouths to talk so Olivia improvised and covered his mouth with her hand effectively shutting him up and putting a look of surprise on his face.

“I said let’s get something to eat.”

He pulled her hand away from his mouth and acted like he was gonna cover hers but she playfully thwarted him, catching both hands in hers. “No need for that. Your turn.”

“Thank you for allowing me to speak.” He joked.

She laughed and took a huge slug of her beer.

“Food, yeah, okay.” Food was the furthest thing from his mind but if food is what Olivia wanted, food is what Olivia was gonna get. “Do you want to eat here or someplace a little nicer?”

“Here’s just fine. I’m too tired to walk anywhere else.”

“I’ve got my car here.”

“Nah, this place’ll do. The food’s actually good here. Let’s get a table, though. I feel like we’re on display sitting here at the bar.”

Porter was elated. Every time she’d called and canceled their dates he’d been crushed. He’d dreamed up all kinds of kinds of lame-ass reasons to call her after she canceled their last date and had decided to call her this morning when, out of the blue, she called. After he hung up, he daydreamed about her all day. He couldn’t get his mind off of her. He admired her physique as he followed her to a booth in a secluded corner of the bar. They sat down across from each other and had barely gotten comfortable when the waitress showed up to take their order. Dean motioned to her to order first.

“I’ll have a Caesar salad, an order of French fries and another one of these.” She held up her beer for the waitress to see.

He gave her a cockeyed grin. She ordered a weird combination. “I’ll have a hamburger with the works, fries and a beer.”

The waitress left and they turned their attention back to each other.

“Fries and a salad?” He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yeah, so?” She tried to appear nonchalant about it as she drained the last of her beer.

“I’ve never seen someone order that combination before.”

“You’ve never been out with me before because I order it a lot.”

He loved her choice of words. “So this is a date?”

She was a little flustered. “No. It’s not a date. It’s just two friends having dinner and drinks.”

“FYI Detective Benson, you pretty much defined the word date.”

She rolled her eyes. So I did. “Excuse me. I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” That beer went right through her and it gave her the perfect opportunity to escape the conversation. She hoped he forgot where they left off by the time she got back. All the way to the bathroom she wondered why she was so scared to call this a date. A date is exactly what it was and exactly what she wanted.

His eyes never left her. He watched her until she disappeared around a corner. He was having trouble reading her. She never told him why she’d asked him to meet her. If it wasn’t a date, then what was it? He planned on finding out the answer to that question.

__________________________________________________


Olivia was washing her hands when Casey walked in. “Olivia.”

“Hey Casey.” She silently prayed that Casey hadn’t seen who she was sitting with.

“So who’s the hunk you’re having dinner with?”

Well that prayer was wasted, she thought. “That’s Special Agent Dean Porter. He’s the case agent I told you about when I was under cover last year, remember?”

Casey arched her eyebrows in an accusing manner. “The one you referred to as, and I quote, ‘A Case-Stealing-SOB’?” She did the quote signs in the air with her fingers for added emphasis. Casey’s eyes were smiling, matching the grin on her face.

“Casey! Do not repeat that to anyone,” Olivia hissed as she snagged a couple of towels to dry her hands on.

“We had several conversations about your Case Agent and you led me to believe that he was an asshole and now you’re having dinner with him. What gives?”

“I’m not having dinner with him. We’re just talking.”

“Just talking, huh?” Casey put her fists on her hips, raised her eyebrows, and cocked her head to the side.

“That’s right. Talking.”

“You were so engrossed in that conversation that you didn’t even see me waving at you.

“Uh, sorry.” Olivia stammered.

Casey was enjoying this. She couldn’t help herself. Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. “I saw you both place an order. Unless you’re planning on sitting at another table that means you’re gonna eat with him. That’s what I call eating dinner together.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. Everyone is a comedian today.

“So it’s a date?”

“No.”

“Are you gonna introduce me to him?”

“No.”

Casey gave her a knowing smile. “Okay I won’t tell anyone, really.”

“Casey. It’s not what you think.” Olivia threw the towels in the trash and glared at Casey.

“I got a good look at him and you wouldn’t believe what I’m thinking. He certainly is easy on the eyes and I can only imagine what kind of body is underneath those clothes.” She smirked at Olivia. “I was just leaving and when I saw you heading for the bathroom I had to follow you to get the scoop on that guy.”

Olivia let out a puff of air.

“Do you like him?”

“I don’t know.” Olivia whined.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t know. Let’s leave it at that for now. Bye Casey.” Olivia motioned for her to leave.

“Okay, for now. But I’m not finished with this. I want details first thing Monday morning. Have a good time and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” She winked at Olivia and Olivia turned her around and pushed her toward the door.


____________________________________________________


She was gone forever. How long does it take a woman in the bathroom anyway? He started getting worried. Maybe she got cold feet and bolted? He decided to give her five more minutes and then he’d go see what was keeping her. Then she appeared from around the corner and he let out a sigh of relief.

“I hope everything came out okay.”

She laughed at his joke. What is it with men and bathroom jokes? Olivia sat down just as their food arrived. She dug in without saying a word and ate like she’d never eaten before.

He couldn’t help but stare at her. She was eating like there was no tomorrow. “Don’t they feed you at the precinct?”

“We were really busy today and I guess I forgot to eat.”

He mouthed the words quietly, “Forgot to eat,” and rolled his eyes. “I never forget to eat.”

“I kinda figured that.” She was thinking about the diner in Oregon that he insisted they always meet at. He was eating every single time she met him there.

Olivia finished her food and Dean was just about done with his before either spoke again. “Why did you want to see me?”

“I wanted to thank you.”

“You’re welcome but may I ask why you’re thanking me?”

“For going to bat for me with IAB. I got off with a reprimand and a forty-five minute lecture by a bunch of stone-faced has-beens who wouldn’t know a perp from the Pope.”

He smiled at her. “At least you’re still employed.”

Her smile turned into a slight frown. “I am.”

“You’re not happy about that?”

“I don’t know any more.”

He nodded his head. He didn’t know what to say. He waited for her to elaborate and when she didn’t he tried to make eye contact. “Olivia?”

She wouldn’t meet his gaze, looking everywhere but at him while fiddling with her fork.

“You wanna talk about it?” He didn’t even try to mask the concern he had for her.

She ran her hand through her hair and bit her lower lip. Her mind was screaming at her, Oh God yes I wanna talk about it, but she couldn’t find the words. “No.” Liar, she thought to herself.

“I’m a good listener.”

“I’m really tired, okay?”

Dean motioned to the waitress who came over. “May I have the check please?” The waitress nodded and left.

Olivia pulled two $20 bills out of her pocket.

Dean saw her and shook his head. “No you don’t. I’m picking up the tab.”

Olivia tried to protest. “But I invited you.”

He held up his hand and gave her a stern look.

She held up one $20 bill. “Dutch then?”

He shook his head at her.

The waitress returned with the check and he paid. He turned to Olivia. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“Where?”

“I’ll drive you home.”

“Dean, I live one block from here.” She chuckled.

“I know.” He stood up and waited for her to get up.

She gave him a questioning look.

“You said you were too tired to walk so I’ll drive you the one block to your apartment.”

She was flattered. He actually listened to what she’d said. It had been awhile since a man, other than Elliot, listened to her. She didn’t protest any more. She got up and let him guide her through the bar, his hand barely touching the small of her back. He held the door open for her and then he opened the car door for her too. She was flattered for a second time in as many minutes. He opened doors for her. She racked her brain trying to remember the last time a man, other than Elliot, held a door for her and she drew a blank. She glanced around his SUV. “Why do you need such a gas guzzling vehicle? This SUV is over the top.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Sorry but my Escort is out getting an oil change. Please tell me that you didn’t actually listen to the stuff those eco terrorists spewed.”

That statement went right through her. How many times has she told him that those people weren’t terrorists? “It’s a lot better than what spews out of this vehicle. And for the record and the hundredth time, they’re activists, not terrorists, not freaks, not tree huggers, not the soy brigade and certainly not whatever other derogatory remark you can think of. I admire them. They care about the environment. I mean they REALLY care about the environment. They don’t just talk the talk, but they walk the walk. They’re not like many people I’ve seen who say one thing but do something else. They live it. They aren’t afraid to stand up for what they believe in.” She paused and took a breath. She was only getting started when Dean interrupted her tirade.

While he thought she was cute when she was all worked up like this, he didn’t want to argue so when she paused to take a breath he reached over and, before she could stop him, knocked on her head. “Hello, McFly, is Detective Benson still in there?”

She was taken aback and for a second didn’t know if she should laugh at what he just did or punch his lights out. She had to admit that it was funny and laughter won out. She laughingly pushed his hand away and gave him a strange look. “I love that movie.”

“I do too.” He started the car and pulled away from the curb.

“I haven’t seen it in years. We should watch it some time.”

Things were looking up. “You mean together?”

“Generally when one uses the word we, it means you and me which could also mean together. So yeah, that’s what I meant by we.”

He smiled at her sarcasm. “You’re inviting me on a second date?”

“What do you mean second, Agent Porter? We haven’t had a first date yet.” She grinned at him.

“Uhhh, okay.” He matched her grin. He parked in front of her building and turned the car off. “Home sweet home.”

She got out of the car before he could get around to her side.

“I was gonna get that for you.”

“Thanks but you having to get out and come all the way around here just to open my door makes me feel silly.”

“It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.”

“So you’re a gentleman?” She arched an eyebrow teasing him.

“What do you think?” He held his arms out for her to peruse him.

She made a big deal out of looking him up and down. She liked what she saw. He looked so damn cute standing there with his arms held wide. She wondered what it would feel like to have those arms wrapped around her, to have her body pressed against his, to have those hands caressing her, to have those lips. . . . She was feeling flushed. Whoa, Nellie, stop.

“Well?”

His question snapped her back to reality. She joked with him. “I guess you’d pass for a gentleman. At least you haven’t tried to maul me yet.” As soon as that last line escaped her lips she regretted it. I want him to maul me. Why did I say that? “Is walking me to my door also the gentlemanly thing to do?”

He jumped on that immediately. “Yes it is.” He locked his arm through hers. “This way, M’lady.”

They got to the door of her apartment and she pulled her keys out of her pocket, fumbled with them and they fell to the floor. They both bent down to pick them up and bumped heads.

Olivia came up with the keys in one hand, rubbing her head with the other one. “Owww. You’ve got a hard head.”

He was rubbing his head too. “Yours isn’t exactly soft.” He reached over and touched the spot on her forehead where she was rubbing. “Did I hurt you?”

She shrugged it off. “Nah, I’ve got a hard head.”

Dean laughed to himself because he agreed with her one hundred percent. “I’m glad I didn’t hurt you.”

“I’m alright.” She opened the door and walked in.

He stood at the threshold, unsure if he should enter. She never actually invited him in.

She saw him hesitate at the door. “Come on in. I don’t bite . . . well not much.” She kicked her shoes off. “Make yourself comfortable. I’ll only be a minute.” She went in the bathroom and closed the door.”

He raised his voice a little and talked to the closing bathroom door. “Don’t be too long because I’m gonna need relief too.” He walked around her apartment looking at her pictures. There was a picture of her and her squad at the 1-6. There were two pictures of her and Elliot. One showed the both of them at what looked like a party. Elliot was standing behind her with one hand on her shoulder and the other holding a beer. Both of them were grinning. A second picture was of them standing side by side behind the bars of a cell. They were both smiling mischievously. If he didn’t know better, those pictures would make him think that she and Elliot were a couple and not just best friends and partners. He felt a pang of jealousy towards Elliot. Then he laid eyes on the last picture. He immediately liked it the best. It was of her in her uniform. She had short hair which he found extremely sexy. He’d never seen her with short hair before. He picked it up admiring it, memorizing it.

She came out of the bathroom and he sat it down quickly but not quick enough. She saw him. “It’s all yours.” She gestured to the bathroom.

He went in and shut the door.

She walked over to the picture she’d seen him holding and thought to herself, I see you like a woman in uniform.

She got a glass of ice water and sat down on the couch.

He came out of the bathroom and walked over and sat down next to her. “Déjà vu?”

“Yeah. At least this time it’s under better circumstances. You want a beer or something?”

He leaned back and patted his stomach. “Nooo. One beer is all I can handle.”

She tucked her right knee underneath her and turned sideways, facing him. “One swig you mean. You only took one swig of that beer.”

“You noticed that?”

“I’m a detective, I detect things.”

“Did you also detect that I had a great time tonight on our non-date?”

She laughed. “I wasn’t sure if you had a good time or you were bored out of your skull.”

“I enjoyed having someone to talk to while I ate dinner.”

“Me too. Do you usually eat dinner alone?”

“No, not alone.

Great, she thought, he’s got a girlfriend. She tried to hide her disappointment by giving him a questioning look.

He caught the fleeting look of disappointment on her face. “My TIVO is always there.”

She punched him lightly on the arm. “That was uncalled for.”

“Owwww. Police brutality. I want my lawyer.” He rubbed his arm feigning an injury.

She used her best stern ‘cop’ voice and wagged her finger in his face. “There’s more where that came from buddy. You just watch yourself.”

He caught her hand playfully with his and she let him hold it. He rubbed his thumb lightly in her palm and the sensation was almost overwhelming. It sent tingles down her spine directly to her pelvis.

“Do you usually eat dinner alone?” He asked her.

“No. Sometimes I don’t eat dinner at all. I just come home and end up falling asleep right here on the couch.” She patted the space between them for emphasis.

He raised an eyebrow at her, wanting more information.

“Every now and then a case gets to me and when that happens I lose my appetite.”

“That’s not good.”

She nodded her head in agreement.

“Talking is a good outlet. A really wonderful woman I know once said that.”

She smiled, remembering that day. He’d given her a compliment which really surprised her because he’d done nothing but bad mouth her the entire time she was under cover.

“That’s the night I realized she wasn’t so annoying.” He gazed into her eyes and scooted a little closer to her.

“Dean Porter are you coming on to me?”

He leaned over and gave her his answer by planting a light kiss on her lips.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She said breathlessly. He started to pull away but she put her hand behind his neck and pulled him closer and kissed him harder, easing her tongue into his mouth. They parted but continued to stare into each other’s eyes, their faces only inches apart.

He was surprised that she was so forward. But she tasted so good. Better than in his fantasies. The fleeting thought of his fantasies entering his head made him burn with desire. Then his phone rang bringing all his fantasies to a screeching halt. He broke eye contact, sighed long and loud and leaned back on the couch producing the offending object and tried his best not to sound pissed but failed miserably.

Olivia winced at his menacing tone of voice. She actually felt bad for the caller. She silently hoped they had a very good reason to make that call. She also hoped it wasn’t one of his superiors.

He looked at his watch. “Porter. . . . . Uh huh. . . . Yeah. . . . It’s almost 1 a.m., can’t this wait? . . . . . Fine. I’ll be there in 20.” He closed the phone and looked at her apologetically, his tone softening immediately. “I’m sorry, I gotta go.”

“I understand. I’ve gotten plenty of middle-of-the-night calls myself.”

He sat there for a few more seconds looking at her, not wanting to leave. “What are you doing Saturday afternoon?”

She made a big deal of observing her nails. “Golly, it looks like my nails need done.”

He grabbed her hands and looked at them. “They look perfectly fine to me.”

She laughed. “Actually I’ve got the whole weekend off and unless Munch gets pneumonia or something, I’m not even on call.”

He gave her a questioning look when she mentioned Munch. “Let’s hope Munch takes his vitamins. Keep tomorrow afternoon open. I’ll call you.” He kissed her lightly on the lips and stood up. She stood too. He looked at her longingly and put his hand on her shoulder, his thumb caressing her neck. “Get some sleep. You’re gonna need it.” He turned and walked to the door and left.

She touched her neck where his thumb had been mere seconds ago. Sleep? After kissing him? Yeah right.

________________________________________________
_________________

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. . . .

[9Catsz]

Part II – The Second Date . . .

She had finally fallen asleep after what seemed like hours of tossing and turning. Her phone rang and, out of habit, she answered it on the second ring. “Benson.”

“Hey Gorgeous. You up yet?”

“No.” She wiped the sleep from her eyes.

“Well get up. I’ll be there to pick you up in about 30 minutes.”

“Thirty minutes?” She sat up in bed. Now she was awake. “That doesn’t give me enough time to get ready.” She whined.

“I’m a patient man. I’ll wait for you.”

“I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

“Don’t do that. It’s not safe.”

“I’m jumping in the shower and I may not hear you at the door.”

“A 30 minute shower?”

“I’m really dirty.”

Porter closed his eyes tight. Don’t go there, do not go there, his mind screamed at him. “As I said before, I’m a patient man. I’ll wait. But whatever you do, don’t leave your front door unlocked.” He said it more sternly than he’d intended to but leaving her door unlocked wasn’t a good idea and he knew that she knew that. He also knew that she’d probably do it anyway.

“Fine. See you in a few.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.” Olivia jumped out of bed checking the clock as she sprinted towards the bathroom. 11:30. So I did get some sleep after all.

________________________________________

He arrived at her building. A couple were just entering the building and he followed them in. He got to her apartment and tried the door before he knocked. It was unlocked. He rolled his eyes and went in. “Olivia. I thought I told you not to leave the door unlocked.” . . . . No answer. . . . . “Olivia?”

She poked her head out of the bathroom. “Sometimes my hearing isn’t all that good.”

He chuckled and thought to himself, That’s an understatement.

“What are we doing today?”

He shook his head from side to side. “Uh uh, it’s a surprise.”

“I need to know how to dress.”

“I could, uhhh, come in there and help you if you’re having a problem dressing.”

The look on her face changed and he thought she was going to actually agree to what he’d just said. Then she gave him a stern look. “Should I wear jeans, slacks, a dress? Help me out here.”

Now he understood the question. “Casual clothes. Jeans would be fine. Oh and comfortable shoes are a must.”

“Thanks.” She closed the door and after a few minutes appeared clad only in her bath robe. “My clothes are in the bedroom.” She explained as she strode by him.

His eyes were burning holes through the terrycloth. He could smell her shampoo, her soap, . . . her. The scent had an intoxicating effect on him.

Ten minutes later she emerged from the bedroom in tight jeans and a tight red tank top that accentuated her shoulders and left nothing to the imagination. Her hair was in a pony tail. Her shirt wasn’t quite long enough and it left a thin strip of exposed skin around her waist. Like a magnet his eyes were drawn to that strip of skin immediately. He had to force himself to stop staring.

He watched her as she took some money out of her purse and stuffed it in her front pocket, got her driver’s license and stuck it in her back pocket and put her cell phone in it’s holster on her belt.

She looked at him. “I’m ready.”

_______________________________________________

Olivia was dying to know where they were going. She wasn’t fond of surprises. “Where are we off to?”

“Didn’t I already tell you?”

“No.” She said in a hopeful voice.

“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you now would it?”

She shook her head, annoyed. “I’m not good with surprises. In fact I really hate surprises so you can go ahead and tell me.”

“You’re gonna love this surprise.”

Not one to give up easily Olivia tried again. “Tell me and I’ll tell you if I love it or not.”

“Give up. My lips are sealed.” He drew his fingers across his lips, pretending to zip them.

“I never give up.”

You can say that again, he thought. In Oregon she didn’t give up even after I ordered her to do just that. He smiled knowingly at her.

She felt uncomfortable. Why is he smiling at me like that? She couldn’t take it any more. “What?”

“Why?” He teased her.

“Dean!”

Innocently he replied, “Huh?”

She folded her arms across her chest pouting. “Fine.”

They drove in silence for a few miles. “Any chance of a hint then?”

He laughed out loud. He couldn’t believe that this used to annoy him. Now he thought it was extremely cute and kind of sexy. “You really don’t give up, do you?”

She got a hopeful look on her face. “No, never.”

“There’s a carnival in Greenville. I thought it would be fun to go.”

“A Carnival?” She scrunched up her nose.

“You know, a place where you eat too much cotton candy, hot dogs and funnel cakes and puke after riding the ridiculously overpriced rides.”

She nodded her head in recognition and smiled at his analogy. “Oh one of those.”

She didn’t look or sound too enthusiastic to him. “You don’t like carnivals?”

“I’ve never been to one.”

“Oh. . . . Really?” He was shocked. He’d never realized that there were people out there who had never been to a carnival. “It’s like a theme park, Coney Island, Six Flags, Disneyland but a lot smaller. Surely you’ve been to one of those before.”

“Never.”

Dean started talking a mile a minute. He couldn’t wait to get to the carnival and show her how much fun they are. “You have no idea how much fun you’ve missed. I love carnivals. The carnival came twice a year when I was a kid. My parents took us both times for as far back as I can remember. They even rode the rides too. My oldest sister always puked on the Tilt-a-Whirl.” That memory brought a huge smile to his face.

She scrunched up her nose again. She wondered if he was smiling because of his fond family memories or because his sister hurled on a ride. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

He couldn’t read her expression. She still didn’t look too enthusiastic about the carnival. “We can do something else if you don’t want to go.”

Her curiosity got the better of her. He seemed so excited about this carnival and she wanted to see what it was that made him that way. “I wanna go. I gotta see the Tilt-a-Whirl.”

He could hardly contain himself. “You’re gonna love it.”

She hoped he was right. “What was the emergency?”

“Emergency?” He had no idea what she was talking about.

“The call you got last night?”

“A guy I arrested last week had this burning desire to confess to more rapes and would only talk to me.”

“An attention whore.”

“He bragged about how he liked to prolong the agony for the women. Make them beg for their lives. He’s a real winner,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“All rapists are.”

“Said his mommy made him do it. She smacked him around and now he takes his anger for her out on any woman he can get his hands on.” Just thinking about that guy made him grip the steering wheel hard enough to make his knuckles turn white.

“I’m glad you caught him.”

“Prison ought to do wonders for him.”

She nodded her head in agreement. “Maybe he’ll get a little payback in prison.” She paused for a minute, her brow furrowed, thinking. “What’s a funnel cake?”

He looked at her to make sure she wasn’t joking with him. She looked serious. “You don’t know what a funnel cake is?”

She rolled her eyes. “If I did, would I be asking?”

He laughed and shook his head from side to side. “It’s a delicacy. Your taste buds are gonna rejoice after eating it.”

“If I eat it.” She corrected him.

“Oh you’re gonna eat it.” He kidded her mischievously.

She used a low, unsure voice. “Okay.”

They rode in silence for a more few minutes. “You have a big family.” It was more a statement than a question.

“I have four older sisters who are all married.”

“Any nieces or nephews?”

“Eight.”

“Wow. That’s a lotta kids. Your sisters are all married with offspring yet you’re still single. Any reason for that?”

“They met people they wanted to marry and I didn’t.”

“That’s not an answer.”

He’d been wondering the same thing about her. “Why aren’t you married?”

“I haven’t met anyone I wanted to marry.”

He chuckled. “Touché. Are there any little Bensons running around that I should know about?”

“Not a one.”

She sent that same question right back at him. “Any little Porters?”

“None. We’re here.” He pulled into the parking lot.

She could see the Ferris wheel and several other rides and they all looked pretty menacing to her but she knew that kids rode these rides all the time so she figured they must be pretty safe. The cotton candy smell was fantastic and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten cotton candy.

He took her hand and pulled her towards the carnival. “C’mon let’s get something to eat before we ride the rides.”

He was excited, like a little kid at Christmas. Seeing the little boy in him come out made this trip worthwhile to her.

“I say if you’re gonna hurl, you gotta have something in your stomach first.”

She laughed at that. She had to practically jog to keep up with the fast pace he’d set. She looked around at all the laughing children, the game booths with all the colorful stuffed animal prizes, and the food booths that smelled heavenly even though she knew there was no way any healthy food would be offered within a 10 mile radius of this place.

They got in line at a food stand. “What do you want?”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” She was craning her neck, taking in the sights and sounds.

That was easy, he thought. He ordered two hot dogs, two cheese fries, a funnel cake and two sodas. They carried their food to a nearby picnic table and sat down.

She nodded toward the funnel cake he’d just placed on the picnic table. “So that’s a funnel cake.”

Dean gave her a beaming grin. “Yep. It’s one of the best man-made concoctions on Earth.”

She eyed it suspiciously. “Looks like it’s loaded with fat to me.”

His brow furrowed in thought. “I think fat is the only ingredient, well that and powdered sugar.” He snagged a piece of it and held it up to her mouth. “Try it.”

She looked uncertain but thought what the hell and took it. As she chewed, the look on her face changed from that of uncertainty to appreciation. She closed her eyes. “Mmmmmmm this is good.”

“See I told you. I would never lie to you about something this important.”

She rolled her eyes. Important.

They had finished eating and were cleaning up their mess when she saw two boys running towards them. She nudged Dean’s arm to get his attention and nodded toward the kids. He turned and a look of recognition came over his face.

“Uncle Dean. Uncle Dean.” The kids were squealing. He bent down and they flew into his arms and he gave them a bear hug. “Mom said you were gonna be here.”

He looked around. “Where is your mom?”

“She’s riding the Tilt-a-Whirl.” Came a reply from a girl walking behind the boys that Olivia guessed was the boys’ teenaged sister. “Going for her hundredth puke.” She said matter-of-factly as if she was bored with it all.

The boys were pulling on his hands. “C’mon let’s ride the Scrambler.”

“Hold on guys. I have someone I want you to meet.”

They stopped and looked up at him, confused.

Dean stood up and turned to Olivia. “This is Olivia.”

They looked at her shyly.

“Say hi to Olivia.” Dean prodded them.

The boys said hi in unison.

The older girl looked surprised. “Hi.”

“Olivia meet Matt, David and Marsha, my oldest sister’s kids.”

“Hi everyone. Nice to meet you.”

The boys quickly forgot her and started pulling on his hands again. “Now let’s go ride the scrambler.”

He stooped down to their level and looked them in the eyes. “Maybe later. I’m gonna ride rides with Olivia now.”

They looked crushed. “But you always ride with us.”

“That’s right, I usually do but I’ve never gotten to ride with her so I’m gonna do that first. Then maybe I’ll ride with you. Okay?”

The boys shot Olivia a couple of spiteful looks.

“Dean.” Came a man’s voice from behind them.

“Mark. Good to see you again.” He shook hands with him. “Where’s Robin?”

“She’s in the bathroom.” He gave him a knowing look. “Tilt-a-Whirl.”

They both died laughing and Marsha rolled her eyes.

“There’s someone I want you to meet.”

Mark looked perplexed.

He turned to Olivia. “Olivia Benson meet my brother-in-law, Mark. Mark, Olivia.”

His perplexed look turned to one of surprise. “Nice to meet you.” He stuck his hand out and they shook.

“Nice to meet you too.” She got the distinct impression that Dean doesn’t bring women to the carnival.

Dean spied his sister walking towards them. “And here she comes. The Queen of the Tilt-a-Whirl.”

A rather attractive but green around the gills-looking woman walked up to them. “Shut up, Dean. I bet I can still kick your butt, even without fancy FBI training.”

Mark couldn’t contain himself. “Honey Dean has someone he wants you to meet.”

“Meet?”

“Olivia this is my sister, Robin. Robin, Olivia Benson.”

Olivia extended her hand.

Robin hesitated for a second not fully comprehending what Dean had just told her. Then a huge smile crossed her lips. “Nice to meet you.” She took Olivia’s hand and pumped it wildly. “So nice to meet you.” She held on and used her other hand to sandwich Olivia’s hand between hers, still shaking it.

Olivia didn’t know what to think. She didn’t want to be rude and forcefully pull her hand out of Robin’s grasp when Dean came to her rescue.

Dean removed Robin’s hands from Olivia’s. “She gets it, Robin.”

Robin winked at Dean. “C’mon everyone. Let’s let Dean and Olivia have some fun. It was nice meeting you, Olivia.” They said their goodbyes and walked away.

Olivia watched them walk away. Mark and Robin were whispering things to each other, smiling and glancing back at Olivia and Dean as they walked.

“You wanna tell me what just happened?”

“You met my sister and her family.” He said knowing full well what she meant but avoiding the question.

“Why did they act so weird?”

“My family is weird, especially that sister. She knows the Tilt-a-Whirl is gonna make her puke yet she still rides it. She’s done that every year since I was like five.”

“No, no, no, no, no.” She wagged her finger back and forth in front of his face. “They acted weird when you introduced me.”

“Oh that.” He tried to brush it off.

“Yeah that.”

“It was nothing.”

“Mmm hummm. I bet.”

He quickly changed the subject. “What do you wanna ride first?” Before she could answer he said, “Let’s get on the bumper cars. I’ll even let you drive.”

**************************************

Damn she can drive!

She masterfully guided the bumper car around every other car there, avoiding collision after collision by a mere hair’s breadth. He leaned down to her ear and whispered. “Uh Olivia? The object of bumper cars is to actually hit the other cars.”

“Oh.” Came her sheepish reply as she turned the car sharply to the left causing a pile up. She gave him an evil grin. “Happy now?”

“Very.”

They rode every ride twice and some three times. Dean was impressed because she didn’t get sick. They came upon his sister and her family again near the game booths. The boys descended on him immediately. “Win us something. Win us something.”

“Okay. Let’s shoot some hoops.”

“Yay.” They squealed in unison.

It was Olivia’s turn to be impressed. Dean was good at the basketball game. Two tries and he won both times, a large stuffed dog for each kid.

He turned to Olivia. “You wanna try?”

She held her hands up in front of her, declining his offer. “I’m no good at basketball.”

When she held her hands up to decline his offer, Dean’s eye magnets were drawn to the thin strip of exposed skin where her shirt was pulled up away from her jeans. It took all the willpower he had to tear his eyes away from it.

“Ride the scrambler with us.” Matt asked Dean again.

He turned to Olivia. “You wanna ride it again?”

“No you go ahead and ride it with them.” She shooed him towards the ride.

“I’ll be right back.” He turned to the boys. “Alright. Let’s go.”

She watched him leave. He is so good with kids and those boys adore him, she thought.

His sister sidled up to Olivia immediately. It was interrogation time. “What kind of job do you do?”

“I work for the NPYD.”

“You’re a police officer?”

“Yes.”

Robin nodded her head. “Impressive. How long have you known Dean?”

“For about a year now.”

Robin nodded her head again. “It’s good to see Dean having fun. He’s always so serious, so FBI-minded.

“FBI-minded?” Olivia questioned.

“That’s what I call it. He’s so into his work that he hardly ever takes time out to live his life, to have fun . . . . to have a girlfriend.”

“Is that why everyone was so surprised to see me?”

Robin nodded her head affirmative. “We’ve been doing this at least once a year since he was 18 and he’s never, I repeat, never brought a date. We were starting to wonder if he was gay.” She laughed.

No wonder they all reacted the way they did. And there was that word date again. What was it with the word date?

”Is it serious between you two?”

Olivia was put on the spot. She didn’t know what to say. “Serious?”

Robin understood her reticence to answer. “First date?”

“Actually second.” Mortified Olivia thought, Did I just say that?

“Dean’s a real nice guy. He loves to have fun. He doesn’t get to do that very much because of his job and sometimes he can be rather anal retentive.”

Olivia laughed out loud when she said that. She watched Dean and the boys exit the ride. They were all smiles, talking his ear off.

“Are you gonna come over and play football with us tonight?” Asked
David.

“No, not tonight.”

“But you always play football with us after the carnival.” Matt whined.

“I have to take Olivia home.”

Both boys gave her looks of resentment and she was getting the distinct impression that they didn’t like her very much.

Matt got an idea. “Olivia can come over and play football too.” He gave her a hopeful look complete with puppy dog eyes.

Olivia was put on the spot. She didn’t know what to say so she looked to Dean for help.

“Guys, listen to me. Football isn’t something girls play, okay?”

“Why not?” David asked, still whining.

He stooped down to their level. “Girls are, uh, delicate. They don’t like to get tackled and get all dirty and stuff like that. That’s boy stuff.”

That seemed to pacify them but when he stood up there were more protests from the boys.

Robin intervened. “C’mon guys. We’ve been here all day. Everyone is tired. It’s time to go home.”

“Thank God.” Said Marsha sarcastically.

Robin turned to Olivia. “It was nice meeting you. I hope Dean brings you around more . . . . a lot more.” She smiled at her and turned to Dean. “You got that, ‘lil bro?” She poked him in the ribs and he tried to block her with his hand but she’d already made contact. He laughed as he removed her hand.

Dean was ticklish. Olivia made a mental note to see just how ticklish he was. “It was nice meeting you too.”

“Yeah I got it. Bye now.” He motioned for them to leave. He waved to the boys until they were out of sight.

“Those are the cutest kids and it looks like they adore their uncle Dean. How old are they?”

“Matt is 7, David’s 8, and Marsha’s 16.”

“She looked really happy to be here.” Olivia chuckled.

“She’s in a rebellious phase. She doesn’t want to do anything with the family any more and her parents embarrass the hell out of her.”

“Girls are delicate?” She repeated what he’d said, laughing.

“Don’t knock it. It worked didn’t it?”

“Are we leaving too?”

“Yeah but there’s one more thing we gotta do before we go.”

She looked at him with questioning eyes, waiting for the explanation.

He took her hand again and pulled her with him. “Follow me.”

She was enjoying all the hand holding. Right now I’d follow you to the ends of the earth, mister.

He stopped before a game booth. “The object of this one is to throw the softball and knock all three wooden blocks off the table. It’s actually harder than it looks.” Dean cleared the table with one mighty blow from the softball. The prizes were teddy bears. “Which one do you want?”

“You won this for me?” Her eyes were tearing up.

“Especially for you. Now pick one.”

The bear she picked was a light purple color and very soft. She rubbed it on her cheek marveling at how soft it was. It was softer than almost anything she’d ever felt.

“I knew you’d like one. I didn’t see anything in your apartment as cuddly as that little guy. I thought you might like something to cuddle.”

“How nice.” I’d really love to cuddle you, she thought. “Thanks.” She whispered, willing her eyes to stay dry because that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her and she was getting emotional.

“Let’s snag some cotton candy on the way out to eat on the ride home.”

______________________________________________

They shared the cotton candy and rode most of the way back to the city in silence. Each lost in their own thoughts. Olivia had her bear sitting in her lap. She was running her fingers through its soft fur.

He was watching her play with the bear out of the corner of his eye. “What did you think of the carnival?”

“It was fun. More fun than I’ve had in, uh, forever. For awhile I actually forgot about my problems and my job. I haven’t been able to do that in years.”

“I’m glad you had fun.”

They were getting close to Olivia’s street when she got a wild idea. “I wanna see where you live.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t stutter.” She joked.

“Why?”

“It occurred to me that you’ve been to my place twice now and I’ve never been to yours. I don’t even know your address.”

“Alright.”

He passed her street up and drove on. She knew these streets well and each neighborhood they drove through was more affluent than the last. She was starting to think he was just driving around to joke with her when he pulled into the underground garage of a swanky high-priced building. He used his card at the gate which let them in.

She looked at him questioningly.

He glanced at her and saw the questioning look. “Yeah I live here.”

“Okay.”

He parked and they got out of the car and she followed him into the elevator. He put a key in the elevator and pushed the top button.

“Penthouse?”

“You should see the view. It’s magnificent.”

She was a little lightheaded after the elevator ride. The elevator opened up directly into his dining room. She was at a loss for words as she looked around. It was not what she was expecting at all. The place was immaculate. It had an open floor plan and she could see the kitchen and the living room too. He had the biggest flat panel television set that she’d ever laid eyes on.

He saw her staring at the T.V. “Watching football or baseball on that is actually better than being there.”

“I bet.” Her eyes were wide with amazement, still scanning the apartment. “My God, Dean. I didn’t know FBI agents made this kind of cash.”

He laughed. “Believe me. They don’t.”

Oh God what have I gotten myself into? She gave him a questioning look. “So uhhhh are you on the take or what?”

He laughed at that. “My parents died last year in a car accident. They were loaded. They left me this place.”

She put her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry about your parents.”

“In the will they said they hoped it would help me out with the ladies.”

“That was in their will?” He did say that his family was weird.

“My parents were wickedly funny. Their will read more like a stand up comedian’s spiel than the usual Dean gets this, Robin gets this, Amanda get this. After reading their will, the lawyer said that in his 35 years of practicing law it was the first time he’d seen people crying because they were laughing so hard, not crying due to sadness.”

“They sound like great people and great parents.”

“They were. You’d have loved them and I know they would have loved you.”

“You must miss them terribly.”

“I do but what can you do? Death eventually takes us all. . . . . .” He let the sentence trail off, his eyes sad.

She saw the sadness in his eyes. “So did it help you?”

“What?”

“Did this place help you with the ladies?”

He smiled. “You’re here aren’t you?”

She snorted. “But I’m no lady.”

He raised his eyebrows wondering what she meant by that but she didn’t elaborate. “You want something to drink?”

“A beer if you’ve got it.” She had a slight headache now and felt a little dizzy and wondered if she’d jarred something loose riding those rides today.

“No beer but I do have some wine.”

“Wine is fine.”

He poured two glasses and handed her one. She took one sip and immediately felt the urge to vomit. She sat the glass down and covered her mouth, her eyes wide, searching for the bathroom.

“Are you okay?”

She shook her head no.

He realized that she was going to be sick. He grabbed her free hand and pulled her towards the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before she threw up.

He stood over her. “I had no idea wine had that kind of effect on you.”

“I don’t think it was the wine.” Oh God, she thought. I not only puked at his house but I puked in front of him. She was dizzy and hot. She stood up.

“You look like hell.”

“I feel like hell.”

“Shouldn’t you feel better after you puke?”

“Well I don’t.”

He opened a drawer and pulled out a new toothbrush, still in the wrapper. “You might need this.” He sat a tube of toothpaste down beside it.

She gave him a where-did-you-get-that look.

“Six for $5 at Walgreens. I couldn’t pass up a deal like that.” He smiled and closed the door leaving her alone.

She brushed her teeth wishing like hell she was feeling better. She needed to lie down. She was so dizzy.

She came out of the bathroom and Dean handed her a glass of water and two aspirin. “Thought you might need these.”

She took them, grateful for his thoughtfulness. “Thanks.” She was a little unsteady on her feet and he noticed immediately.

“Do you need to lie down?” He put his hand lightly on her back.

“That would be nice.”

He guided her towards the bedroom. “You’ll be comfortable in here.”

The first thing she noticed was a huge, unmade bed, clothes and a few dishes on the floor. “This your bedroom?”

“Sorry about the mess. I pretty much live in this room.” He picked a couple of magazines off the bed and put them in a drawer of the nightstand.

There was a smaller but still unbelievably huge flat panel T.V. at the foot of the bed.

“Your bedroom alone is nearly the size of my entire apartment.” She marveled.

“Lay down.” He commanded.

She hesitated. “I don’t wanna take your bed.”

“It’s a big bed, plenty of room for both of us.”

She was holding her stomach. “Dean, uh, I’m sick. I can’t, uh. . . .”

His cheeks flushed red when he realized what she was thinking. “Sleep, Olivia, nothing else. You’re sick. I’d rather have you by my side, where I can watch you, than have you puking all over my living room.”

That was a load off her mind. She kicked her shoes off and laid back on the bed letting out a sigh of relief.

He walked over to a door, opened it and turned the light on. “This is the bathroom if you need it.” He picked up a small trash can and held it up for her to see. “Back up in case you can’t make it to the bathroom.” He sat it beside the bed.

“Thanks for being so understanding.” She closed her eyes, willing the room to stop spinning.

“I can’t help but feel like this is my fault, making you ride all those rides.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him. “You give yourself too much credit, mister. No one makes Olivia Benson do anything she doesn’t want to do.” She closed her eyes again and was soon asleep.

He chuckled. She had spunk. That’s what drew him to her in the first place. He couldn’t believe that she thought he wanted to have sex with her while she was sick. He wanted to have sex with her alright but certainly not while she was sick. He watched her as she drifted off to sleep. Her shirt was pulled up a bit and he could see her navel and there I was, mocking him, screaming at him to touch it. He pulled the blanket up over it and tried to block out its memory but failed. He longed to hold her in his arms and kiss every inch of her body. He still wasn’t sure how she felt about him. She did go with him today. That was a good sign. She didn’t pull away when he took her hand multiple times today. He was never good at reading women and to him Olivia Benson was a tough book to read.

He took a shower and changed into a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt, picked up the clothes and dishes off the floor. He found her teddy bear on the bar in the living room, picked it up and carried it into the bedroom and placed it next to her on the bed. Then he lay down beside her, watching her sleep.

She jumped in her sleep and muttered something intelligible.

Nightmares, he thought. He completely understood why she would have nightmares after the horror that her job serves up on a weekly basis.

She jumped again and sighed.

He noticed that the blankets had slipped down and there it was. . . that strip of exposed skin.

She jumped a third time and her eyes popped open. She swallowed hard, cleared her throat and looked towards the bathroom.

“Hi.”

She jumped at the sound of his voice. “Uh hi.”

He put his hand on her flat belly. He’d been dying to touch her but didn’t because he was afraid he’d wake her up. “Is it feeling any better?”

She looked at his huge hand covering her entire stomach. She gulped in a lungful of air. “Yeah, a little but I still feel like I could hurl at any time.”

He removed his hand. “Feel free to hurl.” He gestured towards the bathroom.

“This is driving me crazy.” She sat up and pulled the pony tail holder out of her hair and laid it on the night stand beside the bed. She shook her hair out causing waves of nausea to roll through her. She jumped up and ran for the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before she vomited again. She finished, stood up and saw that he’d laid out the toothbrush she’d used earlier along with the toothpaste. She silently thanked him.

She exited the bathroom and noticed that he’d picked up the mess that had been there earlier.

“Do you need anything?”

“An iron stomach would be good.”

“I’m fresh out of those right now. You want me to take you home?”

She thought about that. If I’m at home I’ll still be sick, but at home I’ll be all alone. At least here I have someone to talk to and he really is doing a good job of taking care of me. “I’d rather not be alone just yet.” She sat down beside him on the bed and that’s when she noticed the bear. She held it up towards him. “You?”

“Teddy was all alone in the living room. I figured he’d be happier if he was with you.”

“Thanks.” She held the bear in her lap, running her fingers through its soft fur. “I really wanted you to stay with me last night.”

“Stay as in sleep with you?” He was a little surprised at how forward she was.

“Yes. That’s what you wanted isn’t it?”

He stammered. “No, uh, yes, uh, . . Olivia it was our first date.”

“What can I say? I’m easy like that.” She gave a nervous little laugh and ran her hand through her hair.

Vulnerability. He’d glimpsed it in the FBI interrogation room and again at Simon’s mother’s house. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“Why not? It’s the truth. My track record with men is, uhhhh, deplorable. Sometimes even I consider myself a slut.”

“Sheesh you don’t mince words.”

“If you stick around me very long, you’ll find out the truth sooner or later.”

“Find out what?”

”That I’m an easy lay. If a man makes it to my living room, then they usually score that is unless they piss me off and then I throw them out.”

“I’m no saint, Olivia, and I’m not gonna judge you, no matter what. But if you detest sleeping around, why do you do it?”

Good question, she thought. She pulled her knees up to her chest sandwiching Teddy between her knees and her chest. She bit her lower lip. “I . . . ummm, I . . . uhhh, sometimes.”

Dean waited patiently for her to find the words.

Olivia felt self conscious. She wondered why she felt so compelled to pour her heart out to him. “There are times when I just can’t bear to spend another minute alone and I need human contact, need someone to talk to, even if it’s only for a few hours, and even if I know I’ll never see the guy again. I spend so much time alone that it builds up and I need release.”

“You’re lonely.”

She rested her chin on Teddy’s head and looked at her hands wishing she hadn’t brought the subject up.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. You can’t change the past but you can stop doing it.” He reached over and put his hand on her shoulder. “When you’re feeling lonely, call me.”

She gave him a ‘yeah right’ look.

“I mean it, Olivia. Call me any time of the day or night. I want to be there for you.” Dean wondered if now was the time to tell her how he felt about her. He’d gone over what he wanted to say a hundred times in his head but he was having trouble getting the courage. He decided to lay all his cards on the table. “Olivia, sweetheart, I. . .“

She cut him off mid sentence. The word sweetheart always went right through her and when he said it, she had to fight the urge to slap him. “Hold on a second. Sweetheart? Is that meant in a derogatory manner or in an endearing manner?”

He chuckled at her question. “Endearing all the way.”

She let out a sigh of relief and motioned for him to continue”

“I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you that I’m interested in you, that I’d like to see you.”

She looked at him with a blank expression on her face. “I hate to state the obvious but you are seeing me.”

“I mean see you as in date you, get to know you better.” He was searching her face trying to see if she even remotely felt the same way about him. “Start a relationship with you.”

“Oh.” She nodded her head in comprehension. She had no idea what to say. No man had ever told her anything like this. They just wanted to get to the good part, the sex, and move on.

His heart sank. She apparently had no interest in dating him. “Oh? Just oh? Not a yi haa or a golly gee?”

“Dean. I uh.” She was at a loss for words. She saw the disappointment in his face.

“I understand. You’re probably already dating someone. Just tell me the truth.”

“It’s not like that.”

He searched her face for an answer.

She laughed nervously. “This is silly.”

He just sat, waiting, watching her, his face hopeful.

“I’m not seeing anyone. I think I’m ready for a relationship. That’s sorta why I called you yesterday. So I could thank you for what you did but mainly just so I could see you again.”

His heart skipped a beat and he grinned from ear to ear. “You did?”

“I did.”

“So last night was a date?”

“Officially no.” She kidded him.

“Okay you’re the boss of yesterday’s non date. But I’m the boss of today’s outing and I call it a date. Got it?”

She laughed. “Got it.”

“Are you feeling any better?”

“Not really.”

He held his arms out. “Can I hold you tonight? No sex, just two lonely people spending some time together enjoying each other’s company.”

She hesitated for a second, unsure.

He laid back, arms still open, inviting her over with his eyes. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine.”

“Can Teddy come too?”

“Yes.”

She scooted closer to him and pressed the length of her body against his and rested her head against his chest with the teddy bear lying partly on her and partly on him.

Dean put one arm around her shoulders and the other one across her waist making sure he avoided the strip of exposed skin that had taunted him all day. He kissed Teddy on the head and then kissed her on the forehead and whispered, “Please don’t hurl on me.”

She laughed and closed her eyes.

___________________________________________
_________________

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. . . .

[9Catsz]

Part III – Fighting with Elliot

Sunday Morning

Olivia woke up to unfamiliar surroundings. She looked around and finally remembered where she was. “Dean.” No answer. Dean was nowhere in sight. She got up and went to the bathroom. She was washing her hands when she saw it stuck to the mirror. A yellow Post It note written in neat, block letters.

Gorgeous,

I got called in. Too many needy pervs out there.

Check the microwave.

I’ll call you later.

D

Reading it put a smile on her face. She walked to the kitchen, still marveling at the size of his apartment. There was another Post It note on the microwave, written in the same neat, block letters.

Gorgeous,

I didn’t know what you liked so I made an assortment. Think of it as a buffet.

Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if this food makes you hurl.

D

That put a bigger smile on her face. He’d made her a full breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy. She was starving and ate most of it marveling at how good it was. She washed the dishes and decided to take a good look around his apartment before she left. She was too sick to do it last night. There were family pictures everywhere. She assumed that the black and white group pictures of the family were Dean, his sisters and his parents. In one picture he looked to be around eight or nine and was wearing an oversized jacket that looked like it had the FBI logo on it. She made a mental note to ask him about it. Judging by the pictures, she assumed that he’d had a wonderful childhood and she was glad for that. Before seeing his pictures she had started to wonder if there was anyone in the world who’d actually had a good childhood. Hers sucked and she knew that Elliot’s was no picnic either. She suspected Finn’s wasn’t so great because he never once spoke about his parents or if he even has any brothers or sisters and Munch’s father committed suicide. So it was nice to know that Dean drew the lucky straw in the good childhood department.

She figured she’d snooped long enough and decided to go home. She was clipping her phone to her belt when she realized that her phone hadn’t rang once all weekend, which was very odd. She checked it and it was off. “Shit,” she muttered and turned it on. When it powered up, she had 6 messages from work so she knew something was up. She hurried to the elevator to leave and there was yet another note taped to it.

Gorgeous,

I don’t expect you to walk home. Take my over-the-top SUV. Keys are on the table next to the door. That is unless you’ve completely gone green and would rather walk. (It was a joke, please don’t kill me.)

D

She grinned while shaking her head from side to side. Whatta guy. She took the elevator down while listening to her messages. The first one was from Elliot. He sounded concerned because she wasn’t answering her home or her cell phone. The second message was from Finn, third from Munch, one from Cragen and two more from Elliot. The last one from Elliot was 12 hours after the first one and was more urgent and his voice sounded scared. He said he’d been to her apartment and since nothing was out of place he’d hold off on the APB for a few more hours. His final words were demanding, ‘Call me, Olivia, ASAP.’

She called Captain Cragen as she drove out of the parking garage. He answered on the first ring.

“Olivia. We haven’t been able to get ahold of you. We were worried.”

“My phone was off. Is there a problem?”

“We’ve caught a pretty big case but we’ve got it under control right now. Can you come in this afternoon?”

“I’ll be there, Captain.”

She hung up, went home, took a shower and went to the precinct.

____________________________________


Elliot saw her walk in. He was angry and the fact that she hadn’t called him was eating at him. He’d been fuming ever since Cragen informed them that Olivia was on her way and he was at the boiling point when she arrived. He descended on her like a vulture on a kill. She never even made it to her desk. “Where were you?” His eyes were shooting daggers through her.

She was completely taken off guard by his vehemence. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her and she certainly didn’t want to fight in front of the entire department. “Elliot, I . . .”

He cut her off, “I called you all day Saturday, even into the night. Why didn’t you call me back?”

She tried to get to her desk but Elliot blocked her way. “I called Cragen.” The excuse sounded lame but it was the only thing she could think of.

He got a little louder and stepped closer to her. He was now standing toe to toe with her. “I went to your apartment in the middle of the night. You weren’t there.”

She wasn’t about to back down. She stared into his eyes. “It’s supposed to be my weekend off, Elliot.”

“You should answer your damn phone, even when you’re with what’s-his-name,” he yelled.

She was stunned. How the hell did he know? “And you should mind your own business.” She matched his tone glaring at him.

Cragen heard the arguing, hell half of New York could hear the arguing. Not again, he thought. He poked his head out of his office, “Benson, Stabler, my office now!”

They stood toe to toe glaring at each other for a few more seconds, neither wanting to be the first to back down, until the Captain barked another order. “Now!”

They both jumped, broke eye contact and walked towards his office. He held the door open and slammed it shut after they’d entered. He walked around his desk and sat down. “Sit.”

They both stood there, fuming, sneaking glances at each other.

Cragen slammed the palm of his hand down on his desk. “That’s an order, detectives.”

They reluctantly sat down.

He looked from one to the other. “What is it with you two?”

He waited for their reaction and when neither said anything he continued. “You have been fighting like a couple of pole cats over territory for months. What’s going on?”

They glanced at each other but again, neither spoke.

“I don’t have all day.”

Silence.

Cragen sighed and continued, “I’m afraid that I’ve failed you. I’ve let my personal feelings for the two of you get in the way of my professional obligations to you. I’ve been ignoring the problems you’ve been having for over a year now. I can see that you’re not gonna work it out on your own and it is obviously not gonna go away. I think you’ll benefit from a few sessions on the couch with Dr. Huang.”

That got their attention and they both started in on him.

Olivia: “That’s not necessary, Captain.”

Elliot: “It’s fine. No need for that.”

Cragen smiled a knowing smile. That went exactly as he expected it would. “Would you two shut up? That wasn’t a suggestion. It’s an order. If you two want to continue in my unit, you’re gonna go to counseling and you’re gonna stay in counseling until Dr. Huang releases you. Got it?”

Olivia nodded her head looking defeated and Elliot stared at him defiantly.

“Dismissed.” He gave them a disgusted look and waved at them to leave.

Elliot went to his desk madder now than he was a few minutes ago.

Olivia put her cell phone on her desk and went to the locker room. She needed to be alone.

Her phone rang a few minutes after she’d left. Elliot opened it. It was Dean Porter calling and he answered. “Hello.”

Dean was taken aback. He didn’t expect a man to answer Olivia’s phone. “I’m looking for Olivia.”

Elliot used his best sarcastic voice, “She’s busy. . . working. Can I take a message?” Elliot hoped Dean got the message he was trying to convey which was piss off.

Olivia was coming down the stairs when she saw Elliot talking on her phone.

“Have her call Dean Porter.”

“I’ll tell her. . . if I have time.” He hung up on him.

Olivia walked up to him and snatched her phone out of his hand and whispered. “Who was that?” She glanced at Cragen’s office, hoping he wasn’t watching them.

“Mr. FBI.” He smirked at her.

She glared at him and then went up to the roof for some privacy and called Dean. She was still fuming over the events of the past 20 minutes and she hoped that talking to Dean would calm her down.

He answered on the first ring. “Porter.”

Just hearing his voice calmed her down tremendously. “Hi Dean.”

He thought she sounded upset. “Hey Gorgeous. Everything alright?”

“Yeah.” She was so glad to talk to him.

“I’m assuming it was Elliot that answered your phone earlier?”

“It was.” She walked to the edge of the building and leaned her forearms on the wall and looked down at the people on the sidewalk.

“He didn’t sound too happy.”

“We had a fight in the middle of the squad room and then the Captain reamed us for it.”

“I thought you were off this weekend.”

“You know it doesn’t always work that way.”

“I hated to leave you alone this morning. I hope you’re feeling better.”

“I am. Thanks for the breakfast and the wonderful weekend. We have to do it again.”

“Plan on it.”

“I forgot my purple teddy at your apartment.”

Elliot had followed her up to the roof and just happened to overhear what she’d said about the purple teddy.

“Then that gives you a damn good reason to return, doesn’t it?”

“It does.” The hair on the back of her neck stood up and she got the distinct impression that she wasn’t alone. She turned around and Elliot was standing a few feet from her. She shot him a menacing look. “Dean, I, uh, I gotta go now.”

“Are you sure everything is alright?”

“I’ll call you tonight, bye.” She closed the phone and glared at Elliot. “I’m not doing this again.” She brushed past him going for the stairs.

“Liv, hold on.”

She stopped with her back to him, waiting.

“I, uh, I’m sorry.”

She stood there for a second and slowly turned around to face him. She was still angry and she couldn’t help but be sarcastic. “And?”

He looked confused. “What?”

She shook her head, turned and left him alone on the roof.

_________________________________________________

Monday morning

Elliot and Olivia were sitting at their desks doing paperwork, ignoring each other completely.

The Captain walked past their desks, glanced at his watch and stopped. “Aren’t you two late for a meeting?”

They both acted surprised.

“Oh that.” Olivia looked at her watch. “We have five minutes to get there.”

Cragen pointed to the door. “Get your asses out of here.”

________________________________________

Huang’s office

They sat in the waiting room in silence, each pretending the other wasn’t there. It was an exact repeat of their car ride over.

Huang poked his head out of his office. “Olivia, Elliot, this way.”

They both got up slowly, dreading their meeting with Huang.

Huang sat down at his desk. “Sit.” He motioned to the two chairs in front of his desk.

They both sat down looking very uncomfortable.

“Captain Cragen says you two had a fight yesterday.”

Elliot glanced at Olivia who gave him the okay to start with a barely perceptible nod of her head. “We did.” Elliot answered.

Huang picked up on that nod. He was always amazed at the way they could communicate seemingly without words. “And?”

Elliot’s voice was defensive and he glared at Huang. “It was a fight, no big deal.”

“It must have been a big deal or you two wouldn’t be sitting here. What was the fight about?” He looked from Elliot to Olivia. “Olivia?”

“It was a misunderstanding, that’s all.” She tried to keep eye contact with Huang but found it impossible and gave up.

“A misunderstanding about what?”

“My phone was off all weekend and everyone was trying to get ahold of me and when they couldn’t they were worried.”

“Were you worried about her, Elliot?”

“Of course. Everyone was.” Elliot was getting agitated and Huang’s calm demeanor wasn’t helping him at all. It always made him crazy.

“Who started the fight?”

They glanced at each other and both admitted guilt at the same time.

Elliot: “I did.”

Olivia: “It was my fault.”

“Why would you both think you started the fight?”

“It happened. Why does it matter who started it?” Elliot was getting even more agitated.

Huang continued in his calm tone of voice. “It obviously matters to you two.”

“I started the damn fight, alright?” Elliot spat out the words.

Olivia shot him a surprised look.

“I started yelling at her the minute she walked into the squad room. I was so worried when I couldn’t reach her. I thought something had happened to her.”

Huang turned to Olivia. “How did that make you feel?”

“I, uh, I didn’t want to have another fight in the middle of the squad room.”

“But how did it make you feel?” Huang asked her again.

She glanced at Elliot who was silently telling her to keep her mouth shut. She dropped her gaze to her hands. “Angry. But I should have called him.”

“And why didn’t you?”

Olivia was fiddling with the hem of her jacket.

“Olivia?”

“I called Captain Cragen.”

“But you didn’t call Elliot. Why?”

“Munch & Finn called me too. I didn’t’ call them back and they didn’t jump down my throat.” She didn’t have to look at Elliot to know that he was glaring at her. She could feel it. She snuck in a peek at him and she was right. He was glaring at her.

Huang could see that he wasn’t going to get anywhere by talking to them together. They kept looking to each other as if they needed permission before saying anything. “Olivia, can I talk to Elliot alone for a few minutes?”

She looked relieved, got up and walked out.

Huang waited until she closed the door behind her. “I’m here to help, Elliot.”

“And you wanna be my friend.” Elliot added sarcastically.

“I’m not the enemy.”

“The last shrink I poured my heart out to twisted what I said and I nearly lost my job over it. I’d be an idiot if I did that again. Do you really think that I’d tell you anything?”

“You and Olivia have got to stop fighting. This has been going on for nearly a year now. Having you two at each other’s throats all the time is bad for morale and it’s dangerous. You can’t have that kind of a distraction in a shootout.”

“If that’s what you’re worried about, then it’s a moot point. I’ve got Liv’s back and she’s got mine whether we’re fighting or not.”

“There is obviously something eating at your relationship. You two really need to talk about it.”

“Got it. Are we done?”

Huang sighed. “Send Olivia in.”

Elliot walked out and when he got to the waiting room he motioned to Olivia to go in.

Olivia walked back in Huang’s office and reluctantly sat down avoiding all eye contact with him.

Over the years he’d come to know these two detectives pretty well and Olivia was always easier for him to read and he could tell she wanted to talk. “Do you have anything you’d like to say?”

Olivia bit her lip as she was thinking. “I just don’t understand why every time Elliot is worried about me he gets angry and ends up starting a fight.”

“You really don’t know why?”

She looked at him for a second and then dropped her eyes.

“You must have a theory as to why he does this?”

Silence.

“Olivia.”

“I don’t know.”

“How does it make you feel to know that he worries about you?”

“He doesn’t have to worry about me. I’ve taken care of myself since I was a little kid.”

“But he does worry. And you didn’t answer the question.”

“I don’t know.”

This was going to be harder than he thought. “Do you worry about him?”

“Yes.”

“Do you care for him?”

She jerked her eyes up from the floor and looked at him a few seconds before averting her eyes to a stack of books on his desk.

At least I got her attention, Huang thought. “It’s okay to care about your partner, Olivia.”

She looked at her watch and tried to fake surprise. “Would you look at the time? We’re over by almost 10 minutes.”

“And you were late by 15,” came Huang’s terse reply.

Olivia’s face fell.

He gave up. He could see that getting to the core of their problem was going to take way more than one session. “Go. I’ll see you next week, and be on time next time.”

Olivia couldn’t get out of there fast enough. She walked right by Elliot who wordlessly stood and followed her. They got on the elevator and Elliot punched the button for the first floor. An awkward silence filled the elevator. The doors slid open on the first floor to reveal Dean standing there waiting for the elevator. Olivia’s eyes lit up. “Dean.”

Elliot stepped out of the elevator brushing past Dean ignoring him as if he didn’t exist.

Dean looked at Elliot as he brushed past him and then turned his attention to Olivia. He stepped on the elevator right up to Olivia putting a hand on each of her shoulders. “Hey,” and he mouthed the word gorgeous at her.

Her bad mood lifted immediately.

Elliot watched them, scowling. He put his hand on the elevator doors, keeping them from closing. “Liv. Are you coming?” He didn’t bother to hide the fact that he was annoyed because she stopped for Dean.

She peeked around Dean and gave Elliot a dirty look. “Yeah.” She turned her attention back to Dean and kissed his cheek. “I’ll call you.” She stepped out of the elevator stalking after Elliot who had confirmed her suspicion. Elliot didn’t like Dean.

________________________________________________

Tuesday evening – Casey’s office

Olivia stuck her head in the door of Casey’s office. “Still working?”

Casey looked up from the paperwork she’d been perusing. “I’ve been dying to hear about your date with Dean.” Casey closed the folder, her work done for the day.

Olivia sat down handing her one of the two coffees she was holding.

Casey took the coffee, grateful. “This is just what I needed, thanks. Now tell me about your date with Dean.”

“It was a date. That’s all”. Olivia tried to play it down but Casey wasn’t buying it.

“That’s a good start.”

“What’s a good start?” She opened her coffee and took a sip.

“You’re calling it a date now. Friday night you were either in denial or drunk.”

“I wasn’t drunk.”

“Denial it is then.” Casey grinned and sipped her coffee. “So what happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“Awww c’mon. Did you at least kiss him?”

Olivia smiled a sly smile. “No.”

Casey gave her a knowing look. “Don’t kiss and tell. That’s my motto.” She joked.

Olivia had to laugh. “No it isn’t. You tell me everything that happens every time you go on a date. I’ve been dating vicariously through you for a few years now.”

“I hear you and Elliot had another ten rounder in the precinct yesterday.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, closed them tightly and pinched the bridge of her nose with the thumb and forefinger of her right hand. “Don’t remind me.”

“Anything important?”

“No. Just a fight.”

“It didn’t have anything to do with Special Agent Dean Porter, did it?”

Olivia opened her eyes and stared at Casey. “No, why?”

“I got it from a good source that Elliot has been asking people questions, questions about Dean.”

She gave her a look of astonishment. “He has?”

“For some reason he’s jealous of Dean and in case you hadn’t noticed, Elliot has become very possessive of you.”

“I noticed.” Olivia groaned.

“Why would he be jealous of Dean and not the other guys you’ve dated?”

Olivia ran her hand through her hair. “I haven’t dated anyone since before I was stabbed last year. Elliot saw Gitano stab me and he freaked when he thought I was gonna die.”

“You told me about that. But what has that got to do with Porter?”

“That’s the day our relationship changed. He really thought he was gonna lose me and I think that he’s become overly protective of me because of that trauma. It’s just a theory but I think that, in his mind, if I have a man in my life I won’t need him any more and he’ll lose me like that.”

“He told you that?”

“Not exactly. I got it more from his actions than his actual words.”

“It sort of makes sense. When you were under cover, Elliot was like a ticking time bomb. Everyone had to walk on eggshells around him. He even went off on Munch one day because he put your coffee cup in a drawer. He kept trying to get someone to contact you, the Captain and Huang mainly, and I think he also called Dana Lewis a couple of times. He said he had to know if you were okay.”

Olivia felt a pang of guilt. Elliot must have been going crazy wondering if she was alright, wondering if anyone had her back. She could have called and talked to him and no one would have been the wiser. She knew that Elliot would never reveal her whereabouts. She’d went as far as dialing his number on a pay phone several times but always hung up before the call went through.

Casey leaned over her desk and snapped her fingers in front of Olivia’s face. “Hey, you still with me?”

Olivia jump and realized that she’d been lost in her thoughts. “I was just thinking.”

Casey sat back down and sipped her coffee. “It looked like it was serious.”

“I was thinking about why I transferred out of SVU.”

“You never told me why.”

“I did it because Elliot told me that we couldn’t be partners any more if we chose each other over the job again. I was hurt because of what he said. I chose him once and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“Even now?”

Olivia gave her an incredulous look. “We’re partners, Casey. I may be pissed at him and I may even want to kick his ass right now but I’d still risk my life to save his.”

Casey shook her head from side to side. “I’ll never understand this whole partner thing.”

“It’s kinda like a marriage.”

Casey snorted and raised her eyebrows at Olivia.

“Without the sex. Get your mind out of the gutter,” she admonished Casey in a joking manner.

“I’ve heard that sex ends with ‘I do’ anyway,” Casey deadpanned. “I couldn’t handle that. That’s why I’ve never gotten married.”

Olivia laughed with her for a few seconds and then sobered. “It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I’m living it and I still don’t quite understand it. Elliot and I share a bond that’s more than just being friends. The best analogy I can give you is that being his partner for almost nine years is very much like being married. At least that’s how he said it feels to him. To me it’s more than a marriage. He spends more time with me than he spends with his family and I’ve never spent as much time with any man as I have with Elliot. In this job our lives are intertwined in a way that, for me, is actually more than if I was sleeping with him. It goes deeper than the flesh. We share our innermost thoughts with each other.” Olivia thought about that for a second and corrected herself, “At least we used to. Did that make any sense at all?

“Yes and no. I can see where you’re coming from, though. You see things every day that most people, hopefully, will never see in their entire lifetimes. You share that with him. I’m sure he doesn’t run home and tell his wife about the 10 year old girl who was raped, beaten, stabbed, and left to bleed out that you got hit with last week.”

“As far as I know, he doesn’t tell her anything about the job. Kathy once told me she was jealous of the time he spends with me and I can’t say that I blame her.”

Casey let out a puff of air. “I’d have loved to be a fly on the wall during that conversation.”

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head at what Casey said.

“Are you seeing Dean anytime soon?”

“I might be.”

“Come on Liv. Why all the secrecy?”

“Because I want to do something different with this guy.”

“So you do like him.”

“Yes I do.”

“Is he the one?”

Olivia sighed. “It’s way too early to tell.”

“And you’ll tell me when you know for sure?”

“You’ll be the first to know, well maybe the second because if I’m speaking to Elliot at the time, he’ll be the first to know.”

“There you go again, choosing Elliot over me.”

“He’s my partner. What can I say?”

___________________________________________

Wednesday morning

Elliot sat outside the Federal building waiting on him. He got out of his car when he spied his target walking toward the steps of the Federal building. “Dean. You got a minute?”

Dean turned as Elliot walked up to him. “Sure, Elliot.”

“How long have you been dating Liv?”

Dean sighed. “Why don’t you ask her?”

“I’m asking you.”

“Not long.” Dean was intentionally vague.

“Did she stay at your house last weekend?”

Dean could tell that Elliot was angry so he just let him vent.

“Did she get her purple teddy back?” Elliot asked sarcastically.

Dean laughed at that. He now realized why Olivia had to get off the phone so suddenly on Sunday. Elliot had to have been eavesdropping and overheard their conversation about Teddy and took it the wrong way. He decided to pick on Elliot a little bit. “Oh yeah. I returned it to her last night. She was really glad to get it back. I actually hated to see it go.”

“And how long have you been dating her?”

Dean was starting to get pissed. He had no intention of answering any of his questions. “This is really none of your business, Elliot.”

Elliot got nose to nose with Dean and poked his index finger in his chest. “It is my business. You’re coming between me and my partner. It affects how we work together.”

It took every ounce of restraint that Dean had to remain calm. He could see that Elliot wanted a fight and he didn’t plan on giving him one. He knew that a fistfight with Elliot would only hurt Olivia. That thought was the only thing that kept him from knocking some sense into the man. “You’ve got it all wrong. Look in the mirror and you’ll find out who’s coming between you and your partner.” For a second Dean thought Elliot was going hit him and he was prepared to defend himself. But the look on Elliot’s face softened a little bit.

“You had better be good to her or I’ll. . .”

“You’ll what? Have another screaming match with her and embarrass her in front of your entire squad again?”

His statement hit Elliot like a ton of bricks. He stood there with a stunned look on his face. “She told you about that?”

Dean’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. “No, I’ve got a bug in your squad room. What do you think? She called me Sunday night. She was very upset that you would verbally attack her like that. You made her feel guilty for taking some time out for herself on what was supposed to be her day off no less. Talking about it made her cry.”

Olivia crying was not something Elliot liked to picture. “She was giving as good as she got. Our fighting has never made her cry before and I had no reason to believe that this time would be any different.”

“That’s just it, Elliot. From what I’ve seen you don’t think. You just react. And anger seems to be your reaction of choice. For once maybe you could think about Olivia. Think about her feelings. Maybe she’s always cried after your fights. She wants people to think she’s stronger than she is, that she doesn’t cry, so she hides it and cries alone. Did you ever stop to think about that?”

“Olivia is stronger than you think.”

“I know that otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to put up with you all these years.”

It was all Elliot could do to keep from knocking Dean’s teeth down his throat. “Have you two been discussing me?”

“Actually no. When she was under cover in Oregon, she told me that you’re her best friend and, after meeting you, I can’t help but think that if you’re her best friend, I’d hate to see her worst enemy.” With that Dean turned and walked towards the Federal Building leaving Elliot fuming on the sidewalk.
_________________

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. . . .

[9Catsz]

Part IV - - Love

Several weeks later – Thursday

Elliot had been watching Olivia work on her computer off and on all morning. They had barely spoken to each other except for a curt ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ since the fight. He had to talk to her and he was determined that she was going to talk to him. “Liv?”

Her body stiffened up and she hesitated for a few seconds before she took her eyes off her computer screen long enough to look at him.

He saw the faint look of dread cross her face. “You wanna get some lunch?”

She looked at her watch. “It’s a quarter ‘till 9, hardly lunch time.”

“Late breakfast then?”

She eyed him suspiciously. “I’m not hungry.” She turned her attention back to her computer.

“We still need to interview those two witnesses in the O’Malley case.”

“Send Munch or Fin.”

“I’m sending us. C’mon.” He got up and put on his jacket and waited for her. He hated ordering her around but it appeared that was the only way he was gonna get her ass out of that chair.

She looked uncertain, almost like she was afraid to go with him but she stood and reluctantly followed him, putting on her jacket as she walked.

He drove to Central Park and turned off the car. She glanced at him but didn’t say anything. She realized that he probably had no intention of interviewing the witnesses. This was just a ploy to get her to listen to him.

“Look, Liv. I gotta talk to you.”

She turned her head and gazed out the window. “So talk.”

“I’m sorry for jumping down your throat in front of the entire squad.” He watched her, trying to read her body language.

Olivia continued to stare out the window, silent.

Getting no response from her, Elliot continued, “I had no right to be angry with you.” That didn’t elicit a response either so he touched her arm. “Liv?”

She looked at his hand on her arm and then at him. “I’m listening Elliot.”

He complied with her silent request and removed his hand from her arm. He used a quiet, defeated voice. “It’s just that I worry about you.”

She blew out a chest full of air. “You don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“After leaving messages for you to call me on both your phones all day that day, I went to your apartment in the middle of the night and you weren’t there. I was afraid. Afraid you were gone again.”

Her heart went out to him. His voice was so sad. “Look, El, I’m sorry, okay? I was wrong. I should have called you instead of Cragen.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I knew you were angry and I didn’t want a fight.”

“How could you have known I was angry?”

She plucked her phone off her belt and held it up for him to see. “I could play the messages for you.”

“Why was your phone off in the first place?”

“I charged it overnight Friday night. I always turn it off when I do that. I just forgot to turn it back on.”

“You must have been really preoccupied with Dean to forget something that important.”

She felt that they’d been making progress until he mentioned Dean and it pissed her off royally. She realized that he probably wasn’t trying to apologize at all. This was a fishing expedition and she wasn’t biting. “It was supposed to be my weekend off! It may come as a surprise to you but who I spend my non-working hours with is actually none of your business.”

That went well, he thought. She wasn’t going to tell him anything about Dean so he decided to push her. “Did you at least get your purple teddy back?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I overheard you tell Dean on the phone that you forgot your purple teddy at his place. . . . I could have been wrong, though. Maybe it was someone else,” he said sarcastically.

She blew out a large puff of air and shook her head from side to side in disbelief. She wondered how something as innocent as leaving her bear at Dean’s house turned into this. She knew what he was thinking and she didn’t bother to set him straight. Hell with it, she thought, let him believe what he wants. “Maybe if you’d spend as much time with Kathy and your kids as you spend obsessing about my whereabouts, you wouldn’t be divorced.” She regretted those words as soon as she said them. The look on Elliot’s face was that of shock, confusion and then hurt. But it was too late to take it back now.

“I, I can’t help it.” He stammered.

She turned away from him and stared at the car parked beside them, wondering where it all went wrong. She was starting to realize that their friendship was all but over and it was killing her. It was as if she was sitting next to a stranger, even more awkward than the first day they’d rode together. At least then they weren’t trading insults, seeing who could hurt the other more.

In an almost imperceptible whisper he said the words he’d been afraid to utter ever since she got stabbed. “Liv, I love you. I have for a long time now.”

That hit her like a ton of bricks. Her mind was going a mile a minute. She ran her hand through her hair and let out a nervous breath. “Elliot. Stop it. We’re partners. You’ve got a baby on the way.” Her voice was trembling. “This is wrong. We can’t do this.” Suddenly the confines of the car were smothering her. She got out and started walking down the street.

Elliot jumped out and followed her. “Liv where you goin’? Wait up.” He grabbed her arm turning her to face him.

She jerked her arm out of his grasp. “Leave me alone.” She turned and started walking away from him again trying to hide the tears that were streaming down her face to no avail.

He grabbed her arm a second time and turned her towards him. “Talk to me.”

“You can’t love me, Elliot! What happened to my friend?” Her voice turned into a whisper. “I just want my friend back.” She no longer made any attempt to stop the tears that were flowing freely down her face.

He’d made her cry. He couldn’t stand it when she cried. He tried to hug her but she pushed him away. “Let me go.” She turned and walked away.

Elliot watched her until she was out of sight.

She didn’t know how many blocks she’d walked when she finally stopped and sat down on a bench. Her mind was reeling. Elliot said he loved her. She didn’t know how she felt about it. Why didn’t he tell her while he was divorced and living alone? She wondered why he even bothered to tell her now, with his ex-wife expecting and him moving back home. She suspected it was because of Dean. He was obviously jealous of the time she was spending with him. She leaned forward and rested her face in her hands. This was so wrong. For almost nine years he’s been her best friend, her partner and most definitely off limits. She’d never thought of him in that way. And now he was in love with her. She didn’t know how long she sat there. Finally she called Munch. “Can you give me a ride back to the precinct?”

“What’s wrong with Elliot’s car? That is who you left with, isn’t it?”

“C’mon Munch. I’m in no mood to joke around. Get over here and give me a lift before I go postal and shoot you.”

“I’ll come get you. You don’t have to be so brutal. Where are you anyway?”

Olivia realized that she didn’t know where she was and she had to look at the street signs. Luckily she was at an intersection and she could give him the street names right off the bat.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’m on my way.” John hung up the phone and left immediately. He thought she sounded upset. He knew that she’d left with Elliot and her calling him for a lift meant only one thing, they had another fight.

Olivia closed her phone. Don’t go anywhere. John’s words echoed through her head. She knew he was joking but she was too depressed to think it was funny.
______________________________________________________

Munch’s Advice

John saw her sitting on the bench with her face in her hands. He pulled to the curb directly in front of her, rolled the passenger side window down and yelled, “Hey baby, how much?”

Olivia jerked her head up and glared at Munch and then got in the car.

The look she gave him made him flinch but it also made him even more determined to get her to laugh. “Ya know, you could always pay me.” He was watching her in his peripheral vision. He thought he saw the corner of her mouth turn up ever so slightly. “I’m cheap. I’d do it for $5 or so.”

She gave him a small grin and went along with him. “Sorry but I’m off duty.”

He could tell that she’d been crying. “Are you alright, Liv?”

She nodded affirmative.

“Is there anyone you’d like me and my home boy to rough up?”

She looked at him. “Your home boy?”

“Yeah you know Fin, my home boy.”

“Does Fin know you call him that?”

“We’re tight, homies, ya dig?”

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. “I think you’ve been hanging around your partner too long.”

“I could say the same thing about you.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Even Helen Keller could see it.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “You think I should transfer out of SVU?”

“Were you happy when you left the last time?”

She thought about that for a second. “No.”

“You just answered your own question.” John stopped the car at a red light and he turned to face her. It was the first time he’d gotten a good look at her since she got in the car. Her mascara was smeared and her eyes were red and puffy. He reached over and pulled her sun visor down. “You might want to check yourself out in the mirror.”

She looked in the mirror and winced. “Do you have any tissues, napkins or something?”

He reached over and opened the glove box. It was stuffed full of napkins from every fast food joint imaginable.

Relief flooded her face. She grabbed a handful and started wiping the smudged make up off. “Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.”

“You should thank Fin. He’s the one who can’t throw away a napkin. Did I ever tell you about his napkin fetish?”

She smiled. Munch could always be counted on to make her laugh. “Thanks for not letting me walk into the squad room looking like this. I owe you one.”

He got a hopeful look on his face. “You gonna give me a freebie? I’d give you a freebie.”

She snorted. “When pigs fly.”

“So there is a chance.”

Olivia chuckled at that then noticed that the light had changed to green but John was still looking at her with a goofy smile on his face. “You can go now.”

“Thanks, but I’d like to sit here with you.”

“John the light is green.” She pointed to the green light as the cars behind them started honking.

“Oh,” he said sheepishly as he punched it leaving all the honkers in his dust. “How did you manage to lose Elliot?”

“We had a fight. I got out of the car.”

“That would do it. Cragen is pissed at the two of you. Do you realize that you’re probably only one fight away from a suspension?”

Olivia swallowed hard and looked at her hands. “Yeah.”

“What’s going on, Liv?”

“Elliot has changed a lot since I first started in SVU.”

“I hate to be the one to break the news to you kid but Elliot’s not the only one who’s changed.”

She gave him a questioning look.

“You kicked the crap out of a suspect a few months ago. The Olivia I met eight years ago would never have done something like that.”

She looked down at her lap realizing he was right. It wasn’t only Elliot who had changed.

He could see that she was still very upset. “I’m a pretty good listener.”

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to repeat it?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” He joked.

“I’m serious, Munch.”

He shot her his most innocent look. “I consider a needle in the eye serious.”

She stared at him.

“Alright I swear.”

“You can’t even tell Fin.”

“Would you keep a secret from your partner?”

She thought about that for a second. “If I was speaking to him at the time, probably not. But right now, the answer is yes.”

“We’re almost back to the house. Talk fast.”

“Elliot told me that he loves me.” She watched his face for a reaction but there wasn’t one. “John? Did you hear what I just said?”

“I heard you Olivia. I kind of thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t already know.”

She was shocked. “He told you too?”

“He didn’t have to. Actions speak louder than words. Half the people at the precinct already think that. Hell even Dani Beck suspected there was something between you two and she’d never even met the better half of the dynamic duo.”

“Dani Beck?”

“She told me that Elliot went on and on about you. If she did something different than the way you did it, he’d start comparing her to you. She said she was getting sick of hearing about how perfect you were and she was sick of playing second fiddle to a memory."

Olivia swallowed hard. She didn’t know how to take what he’d said.

“So what are you and Elliot gonna do about it?”

“There’s nothing to do. Look at the facts here. He's moved back home and Kathy is going to have his baby. What the hell was he thinking when he told me that?”

“Elliot hasn’t been thinking straight ever since Kathy told him she was pregnant. I wonder if the pregnancy is going alright.”

“Since the day he told me about it, after he bit my head off, he hasn’t mentioned it again. But, on the other hand, we haven’t exactly been on speaking terms either.”

“Bit your head off?”

“I asked him what he was gonna do. I don’t know what he thought I meant but he took it wrong, got defensive, and asked me what I meant by that. We got interrupted before I could tell him and we haven’t talked about it since.”

“You two need to be locked in a room together until you resolve this.”

“That’s your solution?”

“You got a better one?”

She thought about it. “No.”

“Of course no guns or sharp objects would be allowed in the room and the furniture would be bolted to the floor, you know, for Elliot’s safety.” He glanced at her over the top of his glasses.

She laughed. You think I’m dangerous?”

“You’re a woman aren’t you?”

She nodded her head. “And?”

“All women are dangerous, especially around anything that could be used as a projectile.”

______________________________________________________

Friday Evening – Olivia’s apartment

She sat her plate down on the coffee table. “That was exquisite. Where did you learn how to cook like that?”

“I grew up with five females in the house, all older than me. I had two choices, play cars by myself or cook with the girls. You should be glad that cooking won out.”

Olivia rubbed her belly contentedly. “I’m glad you learned how to cook but if you want I’ll play cars with you. I get the Ferrari though.”

His eyes lit up. “You’re on. I’m sure my Hot Wheels are in a box somewhere. I’m sorry but I wrecked the Ferrari. It's missing a wheel. You can have the Lamborghini though.”

“It’s a play date then.” She held up her hand and he caught on immediately and they high-fived. “You know, I can’t cook at all. I even ruined boiled eggs once.” She laughed at that memory.

Dean loved it when she laughed. “Ruined boiled eggs. Oh my.” He started picking up the dishes.

“No you don’t.” She took the dishes out of his hands and sat them down. “Dishes can wait. Come here.” She took his hand and pulled him toward her and kissed him on the lips. “I’ve been thinking about doing this all day.”

He returned her kiss with enthusiasm and a lot of tongue.

They made out on the couch for awhile and Dean pulled away. “We can’t do this.”

She gave him an incredulous look. “Why not?”

“I’m really aroused.”

She flirted with him. “Well what do you know? I am too.” Then she whispered in his ear. “Arousal, I think that’s the whole point of making out.” She ran the nails of both hands up his inner thighs for emphasis.

Dean nearly jumped off the couch and he grabbed her hands before they reached their target which was about to burst out of his jeans. “I mean. .” He swallowed hard. “I . . . uh. . . . I’m not prepared.”

“I have condoms,” and for fun she added, “and my trusty handcuffs.”

He was suddenly uncomfortable, wondering what he’d gotten himself into. “Handcuffs? Olivia, I’m not into that sort of thing.”

She laughed and kissed him. “I was kidding around. I’d never let someone handcuff me and I certainly wouldn’t do it to anyone.”

Relief flooded his face.

“My God, Dean. Do you realize how long we’ve been going out?”

“Five weeks, three days.” He looked at his watch. “Fourteen hours and seven minutes. But who’s counting?”

She laughed. “You’ve kept track?”

“Of course.”

Olivia continued to shamelessly flirt with him. “And what haven’t we done in those five weeks, three days and change?” She kept trying to get her hands to his belt but he thwarted every move she made.

He held both of her small hands in one of his large ones and put his free hand on his chin, pretending to be thinking hard. “Ummmm we haven’t seen a movie.”

She stopped groping at him and gave him a stern look.

Dean smacked himself on the forehead as if he just realized what she was talking about. “Ohhhhhh thaaaaat.”

“Yeah that. And I’m really, really in need of that.” She stood up pulling him up with her and led him toward the bedroom.

“Now that I think about it, cold showers aren’t cutting it for me any more.”

She stopped suddenly and turned toward him and he nearly ran her down. She reached for his belt.

Dean grinned at her. “We’re gonna start here and end up in the bedroom?”

“We could.” She laughed. “But I’m making sure your pager and your cell phone are both switched off.” She removed his cell and pager from his belt and turned them off and laid them on a table. “My phones are already off. I can’t take any more interruptions. I need release. I feel as if I’m gonna explode if we don’t consummate this relationship ASAP.”

Dean wagged his eyebrows at her. “I hope you do explode.” He planted a kiss on her lips and that was all it took.

By the time they got to her bed they were both undressed and their lovemaking was fast, urgent and passionate. Afterwards Olivia rolled over and went to sleep. Dean was too wired to sleep so he settled in and watched her sleep. Her passion during their lovemaking both surprised and amazed him. She knew exactly what she wanted and wasn’t shy about it. He’d never encountered a woman like her. Olivia was a hellion in the bedroom and on the street. He picked teddy up off the night stand and tucked it into the crook of her left arm.

_____________________________________________________

Saturday morning

Olivia opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. 8:30 she thought. I should go in and get a head start on the mountain of paperwork on my desk. She found it easier to work without Elliot there. She noticed teddy in her arms and she smiled, knowing that Dean had to have put it there. She sighed and closed her eyes trying to decide if she should get up now or sleep in.

Dean had been watching her as she slept. He wished he could see her face but she was still sleeping on her left side and he was lying behind her. Her breathing was slow and regular. Every now and then she’d shudder and then mumble something intelligible. More nightmares, he thought. Her breathing changed, she cleared her throat and he saw her head move ever so slightly as if she looked at the clock on the nightstand. She sighed and he figured she was awake. He reached over and gently touched her back. “You awake?” He said in a quiet voice that wouldn’t wake her in case she was still asleep.

Olivia’s reaction to his touch was that of shock. She jumped so high that she nearly fell out of bed and Teddy did fall out of bed. She rolled onto her back and put her hands over her heart which was pounding. She was breathing hard. “You scared the hell out of me.”

Dean gave her a look of astonishment. He didn’t know exactly how to react to her response so he made a joke. “My performance was that bad?”

“What?”

“It must have been because I sure was easy for you to forget.” He feigned a hurt look but deep down he really was hurt. His thoughts were racing. How could she sleep with me and forget I was here a few hours later? She wasn’t even drunk last night.

He looked hurt. She finally realized what he was talking about and she felt her cheeks flushing. She locked her hands behind her head, trying to save face by flirting with him. “Oh yeah. Last night. Your performance. It was, ahhh, ummmm.” She licked her lips seductively and closed her eyes savoring the memory while trying to find the words to describe it.

Now she was flirting with him. He saw her blushing and noticed that her neck was flushed red too. “I wonder. . . just how far down does that blush go, Gorgeous?”

She took what he said and ran with it. “Why don’t you come over here and find out?”

His lips were on hers immediately and his hands were exploring her body. They had a repeat of the night before but without the urgency and this time she didn’t roll over and go to sleep.

“God Olivia. You were incredible, even better than last night.”

“Thanks. You were pretty incredible yourself.”

“How many times did you, ummm. . . ?”

She smiled at his inability to say the word. He was so shy when it came to sex. That was a quality about him that, for some reason, she found very erotic. “Orgasm?”

He nodded affirmative and looked at her, sheepishly awaiting her answer.

“Three but who’s counting?”

“That’s impressive.”

They lay there in each other’s arms for a few more minutes.

“Would you explain to me why you nearly jumped out of your skin when I touched you earlier? Were you having a nightmare?”

Sheesh he asks too many questions. Questions she’d rather not answer. Maybe all those one night stands weren’t so bad after all. At least with those guys talking was optional.

“Olivia? Did you forget I was here again?”

“No.”

“So it was a nightmare?”

“It’s very hard to explain.”

“I’m all ears if you want to try.”

And nosy, she couldn’t help but think. “This is really embarrassing. You remember when I told you I was an easy lay?”

“Yes. And do you remember that I told you not to be so hard on yourself?” He hugged her a little tighter for reassurance. He rested his chin lightly on her head.

“I heard you, really I did.” She snuggled in closer to him. “I’m starting to get attached to you and I don’t want our relationship to be based on lies or half truths.”

He couldn’t believe his ears. She not only said she was getting attached to him but she said ‘our relationship’. But the word lie worried him. “You’ve been lying to me?”

“No, Dean. Lie isn’t the word I should have used. Secret. That’s the word. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.” She kissed his cheek. “It’s hard for me to talk about this but I think you need to hear it before our relationship goes any further.”

His heart skipped a beat, she just referred to their relationship again. He tried to lighten the mood by joking with her. “Let me guess, you turn into a pumpkin at midnight? No, wait, I’ve seen you after midnight and you’re definitely not a pumpkin.”

She laughed at that but then her smile faded. “Okay, back to me being an easy lay.”

He groaned. “We don’t have to go through this again, you know.”

“I didn’t quite tell you the whole story. The truth is no man has ever stayed the entire night with me. When you touched my back, it really startled me because I actually did forget you were here. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn’t do it intentionally.”

He hugged her even tighter and kissed the top of her head. His heart was breaking for her. “How could a man sleep with you and not spend the night? A bomb couldn’t remove me from this bed.”

She shrugged. “I guess they got what they wanted and then left.”

Dean felt d*i*s*g*u*s*t toward those men. “That’s despicable. What assholes.”

She cleared her throat, “I, uh, can’t let the men take all the blame here. I got what I wanted too. And I did want them to leave afterward.” She pulled back a little and watched his face as he digested what she’d just told him.

It took a few seconds for Dean to understand what she meant. “You were using them as much as they were using you?”

She dropped her eyes in shame. “Yes I was.”

He hooked his finger under her chin and gently tilted her head up until their eyes met. “I told you I wasn’t gonna judge you. I meant it. Do you want me to leave too?”

“No, Dean. No.” She was very emotional, barely holding back the tears.

He pulled her to his chest and held her, stroking her hair lightly. “Let’s not talk any more.”

“Alright,” she whispered. Her mind was going a mile a minute. She’d just revealed one of her deepest, darkest secrets and he didn’t even flinch. She’d always been afraid to tell anyone that secret and revealing it to Dean made her feel good, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She closed her eyes and relaxed.

“Shhh.” He held her until she fell asleep. He didn’t think he could admire her any more than he already did but her honesty in sharing her pain overwhelmed him. If she had shed tears at that moment, he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from crying with her.

___________________________________________


Olivia awoke to the smell of bacon. She stretched and leisurely got out of bed and took a shower. She went into the kitchen just as he finished making her breakfast.

“I’m glad you decided to get out of bed. I thought I was gonna have to eat this too.” He gestured to the heaping plate of food before him.

She looked at her watch. “Breakfast for lunch?”

“Please forgive me for that but I was very distracted at breakfast time. Now it’s lunch time but when I opened the fridge the hamburger said ‘get out’,” he mimicked the movie, “and the lettuce hid behind what used to be milk. The only thing that looked edible was the breakfast food.”

“That hamburger can’t be more than two weeks old, and I didn’t know I had lettuce,” she kidded him nudging his side, picking.

“Hey, be careful of the ribs.” He blocked her hands, keeping them as far away from his ribs as possible.

“Why? You ticklish?” Try as she might, she couldn’t get a good poke to his ribs.

“No.” He lied.

“You’re a terrible liar. I know you’re ticklish.” She finally made it through his defenses and poked him in the ribs and he grabbed her hand, laughing.

“If I’m such a terrible liar, then why didn’t you know I was lying that day when I interrogated you? Remember? When I said there was a picture of you buying the money order?”

She rolled her eyes and groaned. “I was so scared that I could barely think straight. I couldn’t stop thinking about what other prisoners do to former cops who land in the joint.”

“You certainly didn’t look scared. You were so calm and collected. I was never really sure if you were lying or not. You are one cool lady under pressure.”

“Thanks, but that day doesn’t count anyway.”

He guided her to the stool in front of the heaping plate of food. “Eat.”

“Yes sir.” She sat down and dug in.

He had already eaten so he walked over and looked at her pictures again.

“You like my pictures?”

“Yes I do. You and Elliot look so happy.”

“And?” She prodded him.

“And what?”

“And you’d like to know more about me and Elliot?”

“No. But I was sort of wondering where your family pictures were.”

She stopped eating and looked uncomfortable. She knew this conversation was going to happen sooner or later but she was hoping for later, much later. “I don’t have any.”

“Not even one teeny, weeny picture of them?”

She shook her head no and gestured with her fork toward the pictures he’d been looking at. “Those people are as close to family as I’ll ever get.”

He walked over to where she was sitting. “What about Simon?”

She swallowed hard. “I’ve only known him for a few months. I doubt we’ll ever be close.”

“You don’t know that. You have your whole life ahead of you, plenty of time to get to know him.”

She sighed. “While I’ve always wished I had brothers or sisters, there will always be a huge wedge between us because of his father. . . our father,” she corrected herself. “Simon absolutely adored his father. In his eyes the man did no wrong. But I can’t help but hate him for what he did to my mother.”

Dean sat next to her as she finished her breakfast. “Do you have a picture of your mother?

“Can we just drop it?” She rolled her eyes and dropped her fork into her empty plate which clanged loudly. “Yes, I have pictures of her.”

“I’ve never seen one.”

She gestured toward her bedroom. “They’re in a box in the closet.”

“Did you hate your mother?”

Olivia threw her hands up in the air in despair. She was ticked at him. “Why do you want to know this? She’s dead. You’ll never meet her.”

Dean responded in a gentle, caring tone of voice. “Because I’m interested in you. I want to learn everything there is to know about you and that includes your family.”

She bit her lower lip, trying to find the words. “I don’t have any family except for Simon. My mother is dead and my father, well you know about him. I’m an only child and my mom was an only child. It’s just me now.” She thought she sounded pretty damn pathetic. She hated talking about her family, or lack thereof. She felt like she was the only person in the world who was alone. It always made her feel like she was inadequate or half a person. To her it was like a wound that would scab over from time to time but never actually healed and Dean was picking at that scab.

No wonder she went out of her way to help Simon even though all the evidence pointed to him as a rapist. The look on her face put a lump in his throat. “I’m sorry Olivia.”

She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She turned away from him. She didn’t want him to see her cry again but it was too late. He’d already seen the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes.

He put his hands on her shoulders. “Olivia?”

She shrugged his hands off of her. “Don’t.”

He put his arms around her and this time held on to her. “It’s okay. I’ve got broad shoulders. You can cry on one of them.”

Oh God how she wanted to do just that. She hated showing anyone that she was weak and to Olivia crying was a sign of weakness. She’d spent her whole life perfecting the art of not needing anyone and she’d already cried like a baby in front of him several times and she was about to do it again and it made her angry at herself. “I’m a police officer. I shouldn’t cry.”

He spun her around on the bar stool and tried to look into her eyes but she averted them. He snagged his finger under her chin and gently tilted her head up until he met her eyes which were brimming with tears. “They eyes don’t lie, hun.”

Looking into his caring, compassionate eyes was all it took and the flood gates opened. She allowed him to hold her as she cried. She grabbed two fistfuls of his shirt and held on for dear life. The last time she’d cried this hard had been right after Elliot told her that if they chose each other over the job again then they couldn’t be partners. She’d immediately went to Cragen’s office and asked him for a new partner and then she went home and sobbed into her pillow until she didn’t have any tears left.

Dean held her tight as she cried. He rubbed her back and stroked her hair a few times. When her sobs subsided, he guided her towards the couch snagging a couple of tissues on the way. He handed them to her and sat down beside her. “What did you think about when you were crying?”

“What? Are you a shrink now?” She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

“I did take couple of psych classes in college so I do know a little bit about shrinkage, just enough to be considered dangerous that is.”

She blew her nose. She was very embarrassed. “I am so sorry about that. I never meant to cry on you. Sheesh your shirt is really wet.” She ran her hand over the wet spot on his shirt.

He looked down at the spot. He hadn’t even noticed. “There’s no need to apologize. It helps to have a good cry every now and then.”

She let out a snort. “What would you know about a good cry?”

“I have four older sisters, remember? Believe me. I know all about a good cry.” He paused for a few seconds to let that sink in and continued in a joking manner, ticking the list off his fingers as he said them, “and makeup, and hair dye, and perfume, and shoes, and waxing, and underwire bras, and periods, and boyfriends.”

Olivia cracked up laughing. “I see you know about all the important things in life.”

“I do, but I’m serious here. What did you think about when you were crying?”

She blew out a lungful of air. His questions were annoying her. She couldn’t help but think that he used to think she was annoying and now the tables were turned.

He really wanted to get her to talk, to open up to him. “I’m a patient man. I've got all day.”

She could tell that he wasn’t going to let this drop. She sighed and gave in. For some reason she couldn’t’ say no to this man. “I thought about my mother. She never had anyone to love her and she got stuck raising a kid she never wanted. She was so full of self loathing and self hatred that she dove into a bottle and that bottle ultimately destroyed her. I thought about the little girl who was raped and murdered last month whose case we just closed. I thought about Simon who had to go through hell because of Julia Millfield. I thought about Elliot who’s mixed up and confused right now. I cried for the friendship we had that I don’t know how to fix. Then I cried for Captain Cragen who may still lose his job because of things I did. I cried for Fin and his son who barely speak. I cried for Munch who can’t seem to find someone to love. I cried for Casey who just broke up with a guy she really loved.” Her voice trailed off.

“You forgot someone.”

She took his statement as sarcasm. “That’s not funny. This is no time to be a jerk.”

“I’m not being a jerk. You did forget to cry for someone.”

She was annoyed and didn’t bother to hide it in her tone of voice. “Alright, I’ll bite. Who?” She looked down at her hands.

“Olivia.” He said matter-of-factly.

She jerked her head up and looked at him questioningly. “What?”

“You need to cry for Olivia.”

She gave him a puzzled look.

“You spend so much time trying to take care of everyone else’s needs that you ignore your own.”

“I’ve cried two or three times this year alone. I’m fine for another year or so.” She tried to make a joke out of it.

“You need to cry for that innocent little girl who missed out on her childhood, who was neglected and lonely, who had to become the parent when all she wanted was someone to love and take care of her.”

Olivia was stunned. “How did. . . .” She stammered. “How did you know that?” Before he could answer she blurted out angrily. “Elliot! When did you talk to Elliot?”

“Hold your horses. Before you get your guns out let me explain. After I'd gotten back from my wild goose chase in Florida I called the precinct. You weren't there but Elliot said he knew where you'd be. I met him in New Jersey and on the way, we talked on the phone. I asked him a couple of questions about you. I kept at him until he finally told me about your mother. I swear that’s all he told me. I didn’t know that she was the only person you had.” Dean ran that conversation through his head.

***********************************
“Tell me a little bit about Olivia’s family.”

“You shouldn’t go there.”

“I know about her father. Just tell me something about her mother, brothers, sisters.”

“If she finds out there’ll be hell to pay. She’ll kick my ass for telling and yours for asking. Liv hardly ever talks about her childhood. I think it’s too painful for her and she just doesn’t want to relive it. I’ve talked to a lot of neglected kids. They work hard to hide the fact that they’ve been neglected. Liv still does that. Her mother was an alcoholic who neglected and physically abused her. As a child, she spent more hours alone, fending for herself, than any kid should have to. And I doubt that her mother ever loved her. It would be very hard for a mother to love a baby conceived from the trauma of rape. Liv knows that. She’s seen it more than once on the job. Not one woman we’ve talked to that had their rapist’s child loved that child.”

***********************************

She couldn’t help but be angry with Elliot. “He shouldn’t have told you anything. He’s got such a big mouth.”

“He cares about you and he worries about you.”

“Yeah right. Sure he does.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“He nailed it right on the head. He told me that this is exactly how you’d react if you found out about our conversation. I think he knows you better than you know you.”

She was still angry and not trying to hide it at all. “Whatever.”

“You once told me that Elliot was your best friend.”

She nodded in recognition. "I did."

“I can see by the pictures that you two are, were close.” He gestured towards her pictures.

“We were close but. . . “ She let the sentence trail off. She was lost in thought.

“But what?”

“Elliot told me he loves me.” She said matter-of-factly.

“I know.” Dean said sadly.

That really ticked her off. It was like everyone knew but her. “You know? How?”

“By the way he looks at you. Because he’s so damn possessive of you. How do you feel about him?”

Olivia was put on the spot. She didn’t know what to say.

“You two have been partners for a long time. You can’t spend that much time with another person and not develop feelings for them.”

For a second she thought about lying to him but decided against it because she didn’t want to lie to Dean. “I have feelings for him but I don’t think it’s love as in romantic love. He’s always been off limits to me. He’s someone I can never have. He’s moved back home and is about to have another baby with his wife, er his ex-wife and he’s my partner. It would be wrong to love him.”

“You can’t help but feel what you feel, Olivia.”

“It doesn’t matter any more because we’ve wrecked our friendship. Every conversation turns into a yelling match with each of us trying to see who can get in the biggest insult.” She shook her head from side to side. “Things had started to change between us in the weeks before I went to Oregon and they have only gotten worse since I got back. We used to joke and cut up with each other and I used to be able to tell him anything. He’s so distant and angry with me all the time. I’m afraid to say anything because he always takes it wrong or reads more into it and that makes him even angrier. We do our work but it’s like we’re complete strangers.”

“So you did try to talk to him about it?” He knew full well that she did.

“I talked to him alright. Two weeks ago he told me that he loved me. We’ve barely spoken since. I’m tired of living like this and I want what we had back. I miss the fun we used to have. I miss confiding in him. I miss the old Elliot. I miss my friend.”

“What effect does that have on our relationship?”

“None.”

“He told you he loves you, Olivia. That’s gotta have an effect on you.”

“At least now I understand why he’s been so possessive towards me. What I don’t understand is this. If he loves me, why hasn’t he made a move on me? He’s never hugged me. Hell he’s never even held my hand. It’s almost as if he expects me to be there if he needs me 24/7 while he’s home enjoying his family and I’m not allowed to have a relationship. It feels almost as if he’s using me.” She leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes.

“I doubt Elliot expects you to be alone,” Dean tried to reason with her to no avail.

“What’s wrong with me that makes men want to use me? It’s as if I’m branded as a good lay but not good enough to stay with, to actually be loved. It’s like they know that I wasn’t supposed to be here. Hell if abortion had been legal when my mom got raped, I wouldn’t be here.” Her chin was quivering.

Dean was about to cry. “God Olivia, don’t say things like that.”

“It’s the truth. I’ve already faced it. It’s time you faced it too. I shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m glad you’re here and I think you’re good enough to be loved. You deserve to be loved. I want to be the one who loves you.”

She looked at him, her eyes searching his.

“I love you, Olivia Benson.” He leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips.

She dropped her eyes. “You’re just saying that to get me to shut up.”

He laughed. “You are so hard-headed. I love you and I’m gonna keep saying it until it gets through that hard head of yours.”

Her eyes were still downcast, sad. “I’m sorry. I’ve ruined this entire afternoon with my breakdown and subsequent inane ramblings.” She ran her hand through her hair. “God this is how Munch must feel after he’s gone off on a tangent.”

He gave her a questioning look. “Munch?”

“It’s better you don’t know, really.”

______________________________________________

Two weeks later . . .

Monday, Huang’s office

“How was your week?” Huang asked Elliot who was not bothering to hide his indifference at being forced into counseling.

“Fine.” Came Elliot’s terse answer.

“Are you and Olivia getting along?”

“Yes.”

“Would you care to elaborate?”

“No.”

Have you talked about the fight?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“What?” Elliot glared a hole through him.

“Did you resolve anything?”

“No.”

Huang sighed. “Elliot. One word answers aren’t going to make this end any time soon.”

“Okay,” Elliot said, making sure he used a one word answer.

Huang decided to go with a theory he’d been working on. He’d seen them weekly for almost two months and hadn’t gotten anywhere. They were definitely going to be hard to break so he thought he’d try a new tactic. “I finally got to meet Dean Porter yesterday. He and Olivia were having lunch in the café across the street from the Federal Building. She looked like she was having a good time with him. He seems like a very nice guy.”

Elliot raised an eyebrow. He’d been wondering where Olivia had been disappearing to every day at lunch. He suspected it was Dean but she had always managed to slip away before he could follow her. “Why should I care about this?”

“Because Olivia obviously cares about him. You should get to know him better.”

Huang telling him what to do really pissed him off. “If I became friends with every one of Olivia’s boyfriends, I wouldn’t be able to afford postage on all the Christmas cards I’d have to send out.”

Elliot’s response intrigued Huang. This was the first time he’d ever heard either one of them say anything bad about the other. He knew they said bad things to each other but never bad things about each other to someone else. “You think Olivia is promiscuous?”

“I didn’t say that.” He knew Huang wasn’t going to let what he’d said go easily and he cursed himself for letting it slip. He made a mental note to try Huang’s annoyingly calm demeanor and tone of voice on the next perp who wouldn’t talk. It always worked so well on him. He wondered how well it would work on a perp.

“You don’t like the idea of Olivia having a boyfriend?”

“I never said that.”

“You got awfully uncomfortable when I brought it up. Do you think Olivia should be alone?”

“No. It’s just. . .” He let the sentence trail off.

“Just what?”

“I worry about her safety when she goes out with strange men.”

“Has any of them ever hurt her?”

“If they did, she never told me about it.”

“Are you jealous of the men she dates?”

The palms of Elliot’s hands were sweaty and he wiped them on his jeans. “No,” he lied. “Is our time up yet, Doc? I’ve got a lot of work to do this afternoon.”

Huang shook his head and gave up. He’d actually gotten farther with Elliot than he’d ever imagined so he decided to let him go. “Send Olivia in on your way out.”

_____________________________________________

“How are you and Elliot getting along?”

“Fine.” She felt like she was back in grade school sitting in the principal’s office.

Huang sighed. He hoped the session with Olivia would go better than the one he’d just had with Elliot. “Have you talked about the fight?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“We had another fight.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“No.” She fidgeted in her seat trying to get comfortable.

He was barely getting more than one word answers out of her, just like her partner. “I’m here to help, Olivia. I can’t help you if you won’t talk about what’s bothering you.”

Olivia didn’t know what to say. She knew she could never tell Huang what Elliot had told her and keep her job so she decided to keep her mouth shut. “Actually nothing’s bothering me.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

Olivia felt him staring at her, analyzing her every move and try as she might she couldn’t look him in the eye and she couldn’t stop fidgeting.

“Dean Porter seems like a real nice guy. Have you and Elliot talked about him?”

She couldn’t help herself. She snorted. “Elliot can’t stand him.”

Huang jumped on that. Now he was getting somewhere. “How do you know that?”

She shook her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“I just know it. After being partners with that man for over eight years, I can tell what he’s thinking just by his body language, his facial expressions or looking in his eyes. He doesn’t have to actually say it for me to know it.”

“Has he ever acted this way with the other men you’ve dated?”

She thought for a second. “No.”

“Do you think he’s jealous of Dean?”

“Elliot has a baby on the way and he’s moved back in with his ex-wife and kids. He’s under a lot of stress right now.”

Olivia and Elliot’s relationship intrigued him. They may be fighting yet she still takes up for him. “You didn’t answer my question. Do you think he’s jealous?”

“No. He’s not jealous.” She hoped her lie sounded more convincing to Huang’s ears than it did to her own.

_____________________________________________

Friday evening Olivia’s apartment

What are you doing next weekend?

Olivia was flipping through the channels with the remote control. “Hmmmmm nothing. I happen to be off that weekend.”

“Great.”

“What do you have planned?”

“My sister is having a birthday party for her son, Tim, next Saturday and we’re invited.”

“Tim? I haven’t met this sister.”

“No you haven’t. My entire family will be there. You’re gonna love my other sisters. They’re really funny. There’ll be a lot of fun things to do, too. They have a ranch with horses and a trampoline and four wheelers. We’ll have loads of fun.”

She smiled at him. “You really are a kid at heart aren’t you?”

“Yes I am. And I love kids. I want a dozen of them.”

“Ouch.” Olivia winced.

“Ouch?”

“You try pushing something the size of a baby out through your nether region. Ouch is the nicest thing I could think of to say.”

“Got it. What about you? Do you want kids?”

Olivia was uncomfortable. “I, uh, no.”

He tilted his head at her questioningly.

“I never planned on having kids.”

“Don’t you like them?”

“It’s not like that at all. I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be a good mother.” She wished he would just change the subject.

“I happen to think you’d make a wonderful mother.”

“You don’t understand, Dean.”

“Then enlighten me.” He was intrigued by her response.

“I’m not gonna pass on my faulty genes.”

He gave her a double take. “Faulty genes? Olivia, come on. You can’t be serious.”

She sighed. “My mother was an alcoholic. She neglected me. My father was a rapist and an alcoholic. It’s a proven fact that children who were abused grow up and become abusers themselves. It’s an insidious cycle that I will not perpetuate. These particular faulty genes end with Olivia Benson. I will not pass them on to another generation.”

“You can’t really believe that you’d abuse your own child.”

“And we’ll never find out because that’s a chance I’m not willing to take. You just don’t understand.”

“Let’s look at the facts here. Your mother abused you and she was an alcoholic. Your father was a rapist and an alcoholic. But you. . . you’re not an alcoholic. You’re not a rapist. You have a mixture of their genes. You’re very compassionate. Hell you have more compassion than anyone else I’ve ever met. I saw evidence of that in Oregon. You are one remarkable woman and I love you. I’d love it if you would be the mother of my dozen kids.”

“Uh Dean. Don’t jump the gun here. On the off chance that I ever get drunk enough to agree to have a child, it’s impossible for me to have 12 of them.”

“Why? I’ve heard of women having a dozen kids before.”

“While I’m flattered that you hadn’t noticed, I’m nearly too old to have one kid, much less 12 of them.”

He grinned and joked with her. “Then we better get started. I think I can hear your biological clock ticking right now.” He leaned over and pretended he was listening. “Tick, tick, tick.” Then he tried to kiss her.

She pulled away, angry. “No kids. Got it? End of discussion.” She tossed the remote control on the couch between them, got up and went in the bedroom, slamming the door.

That reaction wasn’t what Dean expected at all.

_________________________________________________
_________________

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. . . .

[9Catsz]

Part V - - The Final Straw

Wednesday morning – Interrogation

Donald Cragen watched his two favorite detectives interrogate a suspect. He loved the way they interacted and fed off of each other. If he didn’t know better, he’d never believe that these two barely spoke outside of those four walls. The way they were tag teaming that perp reminded him of old times, the way it used to be before the arguing began. Elliot had recently started using a new tactic on perps and he was using it now. He talked to them in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice that was monotonous but dripping with concern and no matter how angry the perp got, Elliot continued the monotony until the perps practically fell all over themselves confessing, they ate it up. Cragen was standing in this very spot a couple of days ago when Elliot first used it with excellent results. He didn’t know if he and Olivia had discussed it beforehand but Olivia went right along with him as if they’d been doing it for years. He was amazed at how in sync they were in interrogation. He wished they could get it together outside of that room.

_____________________________________________

Wednesday afternoon at the 1-6

Olivia sat down at her desk. Her head was spinning and she wondered if she was coming down with the flu or something. She rested her face in her hands for a few seconds.

Elliot came out of Cragen’s office carrying a folder and made a beeline for Olivia’s desk. She had her head in her hands so he cleared his throat to get her attention.

She looked up at him and her vision blurred. She was so damn hot.

Elliot could tell immediately that there was something wrong with her. “Liv. You alright?”

“I’m hot.” She stood and tried to take off her jacket but lost her balance and started to fall.

Elliot dropped the folder on her desk and caught her easily. “Liv?” He felt her body go limp and he gently lowered her to the floor, his anger at her totally forgotten, replaced by complete helplessness and a fear that he’d only felt once before, that day in the bus terminal, the day everything changed.

Munch and Fin were walking into the room and saw Olivia pass out. Fin ran to her side immediately placing two fingers on her neck, felt a strong pulse and nodded okay to Elliot. “What the hell happened?”

Munch was already on the phone calling an ambulance.

Everyone in the squad room gathered around Olivia and were all talking at once.

Elliot was kneeling on the floor holding her in his arms. He was glad that Fin checked her pulse. His hands were shaking so badly he didn’t k now if he’d be able to do it. He knew he couldn’t lose it right here in front of everyone. He could barely mumble, “She said she was hot then she just went down.”

Cragen heard the commotion and exited his office, ready to tear into whoever was causing it while silently hoping it wasn’t a Round 2 Benson and Stabler repeat from two months ago. But what he saw sent chills through him. Olivia was lying on the floor cold as a cucumber with Elliot holding her in his arms. The look on Elliot’s face was something Cragen never wanted to see again in his life. He was completely white as if he thought she was going to die. “Did somebody call a bus?”

Munch held up the phone. “Already on the way.”

_________________________________________________

Hospital ER

“Let’s go over this again,” Cragen looked at Elliot. “What happened?”

Elliot had regained his composure by the time they got to the hospital. “I had the file we’d just gone over. I was gonna go over it with Liv. When I got to her desk, she had her face in her hands. She said she was hot, stood up and then collapsed. That’s it. I have no idea why.”

“This was right after lunch. What did she do for lunch?” Cragen looked from Elliot to Fin to Munch. He was annoyed. “Doesn’t anybody know where she eats lunch?”

Munch shrugged and the Captain looked at Fin.

“Hey don’t look at me. I’m not her keeper this week.”

Elliot spoke up. “I think she’s been eating lunch with Dean Porter.”

“Has anybody called him?”

“He should be here any minute,” Munch chimed in receiving a nasty look from Elliot. “I called him on the way over.”

A doctor entered the waiting room. “I’m looking for the Benson family.”

At that moment Dean strode in, right up to the doctor. “We’re her family.” He motioned to all the guys standing there.

The doctor looked all five men over and his gaze lingered on Fin for a few seconds longer than the others.

Fin noticed the look and couldn’t help but mess with the doctor’s mind. “I’m a really distant relative.”

Elliot shot Fin a dirty look but gave Dean a look that would kill. “Actually she doesn’t have any family.”

Dean glared back at Elliot and countered, “We’re close enough. What’s wrong with her?”

Cragen sighed at the interaction between Porter & Stabler. He interjected, “I’m her Captain. Is she gonna be alright?”

“I’m Dr. Grix. She’s stable for the moment.”

Elliot was impatient. He wanted answers now. “Why did she pass out?”

“We’re not entirely sure. We’ll know more when the drug screen comes back.”

All five guys repeated the words, “Drug screen?”

“She overdosed on something. We pumped her stomach and we won’t know what it was until the toxicology comes back. It’ll be a few hours. She’s in room 1149 if you want to see her. She’s still sleeping, though. She’ll be out for hours.” The doctor turned and walked out of the room.

Elliot stepped up to Dean, right in his face. “What the hell did you do to her?”

Dean was completely taken aback. Elliot had a look on his face that could kill. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Cragen put his hand on Elliot’s arm, “Elliot.”

Elliot ignored him and got louder. “She had lunch with you. What did you give her?”

“Nothing. She was fine when she left.”

“If I find out you did something to her, I’ll. . . I’ll. . .” Elliot clenched and unclenched his fists. His eyes narrowed and his voice lowered menacingly, “You know what I’ll do.” Elliot jerked his arm out of Cragen’s grasp.

Dean took a step back but Elliot followed. He understood the threat. This man is crazy, he thought.

Cragen intervened again, louder. “Elliot! Stop it.”

Elliot ignored the Captain and continued advancing on Dean. “If she dies, Porter, it’s on your hands and I’ll take care of you.”

Cragen and Fin both took one of Elliot’s arms and pulled him away from Dean.

“Don’t do this, man. Liv wouldn’t want this.” Fin tried to reason with him.

Elliot sat down in a chair and put his head in his hands and ignored them all.

All Dean wanted to do was see her. “I’m going to her room.”

Elliot heard that, jumped up and blocked his exit. “You’ve done enough damage. I’m not gonna let you finish her off.”

As much as he wanted to he knew that hitting Elliot would only hurt Olivia and that knowledge is the only reason he didn’t knock Elliot out of his way. “Goddamn it Elliot. I didn’t do anything to her. Why would I hurt her? I love her.”

“I love her too,” Elliot yelled back. He realized what he’d just said, not only in front of Munch and Fin but in front of his Captain.

Cragen didn’t want a fistfight in the emergency room. He had to put an end to this once and for all. He took Elliot by the arm. “I think we need to talk.”

Elliot looked uncertain. He didn’t want to disobey his captain but he didn’t want Porter anywhere near Olivia. “I’m busy right now, Captain.”

“It wasn’t a request, Elliot. Come on.” He pulled him to the door.

“I swear to you, Elliot. She was fine when I left her. I didn’t do anything to her.”

Elliot’s eyes shot daggers through Dean as he let the Captain guide him out of the room.

_________________________________________

Room 1149

Dean hesitated at the door. The last time he’d been in a hospital room his mother lay dying after a car accident that took the lives of his father and grandfather. His mother hung on for two days before she succumbed. He didn’t leave her side until the end. He closed his eyes trying to get rid of that memory. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open and there she was. She looked pale against the crisp, white sheets. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. He picked up her limp hand, the one without the IVs. “I wish you could tell me what happened.”

Munch and Fin were standing outside Olivia’s room. Fin was pacing back and forth. “He’s had five minutes alone, that’s enough. I’m goin’ in.” Fin pushed the door open and entered the room with Munch on his heels. Olivia was in the bed farthest from the door and Dean was holding her hand. Fin sat down on the empty bed facing them and Munch sat in the chair between the two beds.

“What went down today?” Fin asked Dean.

“We had lunch. She was perfectly fine when she left. I don’t know what happened.”

“I worked in narcotics for years and I know druggies. Liv ain’t no druggie. If she OD’d, she didn’t do it to herself.”

Munch looked at Fin wondering where he was going with this.

Dean had just about had enough of the guys from the 1-6. “What are you implying?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.” Fin was intentionally treating him like a perp, trying to get him to make a mistake.

“I already told you. We had lunch. She was fine when she left me. I don’t know what happened to her between the café and the precinct. I think you need to stop accusing me of doing this to her.” He gestured toward her. “I’d never hurt her.”

“Sorry but you know how it is, man. When a woman is hurt, we always look at the boyfriend or husband first.”

Dean was ticked. “Well look elsewhere.”

_____________________________________________

Cragen met Huang in the hallway of the hospital. “Thanks for coming, Doc.”

“I just saw her at lunch and she looked fine. How is she?”

“They’re saying she OD’d.”

Huang was genuinely surprised. “Overdosed? On what?”

“They won’t know ‘til the tests come back.”

“How’s Elliot taking it?”

“He’s blaming Dean Porter because Liv had lunch with him right before she passed out.”

“When I saw them, they were talking and laughing so hard that they were drawing attention to themselves. I doubt Dean is responsible for what happened to her.”

“That’s why I 911’d you. Elliot threatened Dean’s life right in front of everyone. He didn’t want Dean to be around her.”

“Where are they now?”

“Elliot is in there.” Cragen pointed to a small chapel. “And Munch and Fin went with Dean to Liv’s room. Elliot is like a ticking time bomb. He can’t be trusted to be in the same room with Porter. I didn’t know what to do so I called you.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Huang went into the chapel. Elliot was sitting in the second pew with his forearms and forehead resting on the back of the row in front of him. “Elliot?”

Elliot didn’t bother to acknowledge that he’d heard him. He knew Huang would show up sooner or later.

Huang sat sideways in the front pew just to the right of Elliot. “Elliot?”

He’d been sitting in that chapel for 20 minutes thinking, thinking about his actions over the past few months. He felt tremendous guilt for how poorly he’d been treating her. He couldn’t stop thinking that if she died today, she’d have died hating him. He loved her so much but he’d finally come to realize that if you really love something you’ll let it go. “Now that the cavalry has arrived, is it okay if I see Liv?”

“Only if you promise to leave Dean Porter alone.”

Elliot clenched his fists, holding back his rage. “Well that’s not gonna happen anytime soon.”

“I know you’re worried about her but Dean isn’t the person responsible for what happened to her.”

Elliot looked at him. “How do you know that?”

“I see them having lunch nearly every day. Today they were laughing and joking with each other. It’s obvious that they’re in love.”

Having an eyewitness to the lunch calmed Elliot down tremendously.

“Did you really threaten Dean’s life?”

Elliot dropped his eyes and shook his head yes with a barely imperceptible nod.

“Do you realize what you’ve done? Threatening the life of a federal agent is serious business.”

“And I bet Porter will take full advantage of it,” Elliot said sarcastically.

_________________________________________________

Liv’s Room

“I’m Dr. Borrego and I need to talk to Ms. Benson’s family.”

Munch pulled his phone out. “Can you wait a few minutes? There’s a couple of people I need to call. Don’t worry, they’re already in the hospital.”

“No problem.” She motioned for him to make the call.

Munch called Cragen and told him the doctor was in Olivia’s room. It was only a few minutes before Cragen, Elliot and Huang showed up.

“I’m Dr. Borrego and I have the results of Olivia’s drug screen. She took a massive dose of Oxycontin. Luckily she was found immediately after she took it or she’d be on a slab in the morgue right now.”

Everyone’s mouth dropped and there was a sharp intake of breath from all of them.

The doctor was all business. “Has she been depressed lately?” The doctor searched the faces in the room, all of them still in some state of shock.

“No. She’s been pretty happy,” Dean spoke up. “I just had lunch with her an hour ago. She was laughing.”

“Sometimes people get euphoric right before they commit suicide.”

That remark got everyone talking.

Elliot was all over the doctor. No way in hell she tried to kill herself.

Dean agreed with him. “I don’t buy that.”

Huang interjected his two cents into the debate. “Olivia wasn’t depressed.”

Fin agreed with the others. “It’s not her way. She’d never do something like that.

Munch added, “Not Olivia, no way.”

Cragen just stood there shaking his head in disbelief.

Elliot got straight to the point. “If she was gonna off herself, she’d eat her gun. That’s how cops do it. That’s how she’d do it.”

The doctor looked at Elliot. “And you are?”

“I’m her partner.”

“You’re not a psychiatrist. When one is too close to the person, the warning signs simply get missed.”

Huang stepped in. This doctor was a little too full of herself. He set her straight. “I’m Dr. George Huang and I do happen to be a psychiatrist. I’m telling you that you’ve got it all wrong. Before this turns into a free for all, why don’t we wait for her to wake up and tell us what happened?”

The doctor was a little pissed. “If that’s what you want, we’ll wait. But if she doesn’t get the help she needs, next time she’ll succeed.”

The doctor was really rubbing Elliot the wrong way. “You’re wrong, doctor. She didn’t try to kill herself.”

“If that’s what you say,” the doctor said sarcastically as she left the room.

Dean’s phone rang and he stepped into the hall to take the call.

Elliot moved to the side of the bed Dean left vacant and he picked up Olivia’s hand. He wished they’d all leave so he could be alone with her.

Cragen looked at Munch and Fin. “Isn’t there some work that needs to be done?” He nodded toward the door with his head indicating that he’d like them to leave.

Fin hopped off the bed. “We’ll come back later when she’s awake. C’mon partner, let’s get some work done.” Munch followed him out.

Dean had just closed his phone when Munch and Fin exited Olivia’s room. “Go back in. I’ve got news you’re gonna want to hear.”

Dean followed them back into Olivia’s room. “I just got off the phone with my boss. Five FBI agents and one civilian are sick, all with the same symptoms as Olivia. One died. They all ate lunch at the same café where we ate. There had to be something in the food.”

Fin immediately regretted what he’d said to Dean. “Look I’m sorry man.”

Dean shrugged it off. “No sweat. Tensions were high. I can understand how her friends would react.” He looked at Elliot who was holding her hand.

“Are you working this case?” Cragen asked.

“Oh yeah. Every FBI agent in the city will be working this case. I hate to leave but I have to. I’m gonna catch the scum who did this and they’re gonna pay.” He looked at Elliot. Take care of her until I get back.”

Elliot felt a small pang of remorse for how badly he’d been treating Dean. “Uh okay.”

Dean was on his way out of the room and he passed Casey who was on her way into the room. “I’ve been in closed court all day. I just heard.” She stepped up to the bed looking at Olivia. “Is she gonna be alright.” Casey searched the faces stopping on Elliot’s.

“Doc says she’s gonna make a full recovery. She’s gonna be asleep for awhile, though.” Elliot was still holding her hand.

“That’s a load off. I heard someone died.”

She was still looking at Elliot so he answered. “According to Porter, it was an FBI agent who died.”

Cragen looked at his watch. “It's getting late. We’re gonna leave now." He nodded toward Munch and Fin. "Are you gonna be okay?” he asked Elliot.

“Yeah I’m gonna be right here.”

“I can stay for awhile too.” Casey chimed in.

___________________________________________

Casey came back from the cafeteria with two coffees and handed one to Elliot who had been standing by Olivia’s bedside ever since she got there over an hour ago. “You can sit down. She’s not going anywhere.”

Elliot was lost in his own little world. He was trying to figure out how he could love both Olivia and Kathy.

Casey snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Hello, Elliot. Mission Control to Elliot.”

His eyes focused on her hand and then he looked at her face. ‘Uhhhh what?”

“I was startin’ to wonder if you’d gotten a dose of Oxycontin too. You were spacing out.”

“Sorry.”

“How’s Kathy doing?”

He realized that he’d been in Olivia’s room all afternoon and hadn’t even called Kathy. He was trying to be more responsible to Kathy and his kids but he’d screwed up royally today. “She's fine. I really gotta go.” He glanced at his watch, 6:45. “Will you stay with her?”

“I’ll stay here until Munch gets here at 8. Then Fin is gonna be here from 12-4. I don’t know who’s up after that, probably Cragen. Don’t worry. She’s gonna be fine.”

Elliot nodded his head and left.
___________________________________________

Fin's Advice

The guys were taking turns sitting with Olivia, four hours each. Work still had to get done whether one of the group was out of commission or not. Fin volunteered for the midnight to four a.m shift and he was sitting there looking at her when she woke up. “Hey baby. It’s nice to see those big, brown eyes.”

Olivia looked around the room, she was disoriented. She tried to remember what happened. She remembered sitting at her desk and Elliot said something to her but then she drew a blank. “Am I in a hospital?”

“Yeah.” Fin opened his phone.

“Who are you calling?”

“I gotta call everyone. They wanted to know the minute you woke up.”

She could see that it was dark outside. “Don’t.”

“They’re gonna kill me if I don’t tell them.”

“What time is it?”

Fin looked at his watch. “Two fifteen and that’s a.m.”

“Let them sleep.”

“You’re gonna get my ass kicked by two white guys and Cragen. Do you realize that?”

She knew he meant Elliot and Dean. “I can’t believe you’re scared of them. I can handle the both of them. But if you don’t do as I say, you’re gonna get your ass kicked by one white chick.” She shrugged. “It’s your choice.”

Fin grinned at her. “Gotcha.” He made a big deal of putting his phone away. “Estrogen scares me more than testosterone any day.”

“How did I get here?”

“You passed out in the squad room.”

She scratched her head. “I remember that I felt sick and kind of dizzy. Oh and I was hot, so very hot.”

“You fell and Elliot caught you.”

“Other than feeling a little groggy, I’m fine now. Do they know why I passed out?”

“You OD’d.”

She was taken aback for a second. “Is that some sort of a narcotics joke? Ibuprofen is the strongest drug I take and I haven't taken any in weeks. How could I have OD’d?”

“You ate it. Someone spiked the tuna salad with enough Oxycontin to kill an elephant. It was a drug addict’s dream lunch. Several FBI agents and one other civilian are in the same condition as you are and one FBI agent died from eating it. He was allergic to Oxy.”

Her mind was reeling, FBI agents sick and one dead. Her heart skipped a beat. “Is Dean okay?”

“Don't worry, he’s just fine.” Fin patted her arm for reassurance.

Relief flooded through her. “Why in the hell would someone do something like that?”

“I guess they hate FBI agents. Who can say why any of the perps do what they do? It’s a sick and twisted world we live in.” He remembered the note Dean told him to give her. He stood up and dug in his pocket, pulled out the note and handed it to her. “Your G-Man told me to give this to you the minute you woke up. I’m a little late, you won’t narc on me will ya?”

She took the note, knowing it was from Dean. “I won’t tell.” She unfolded it.

Gorgeous,

I knew I wouldn’t be there when you woke up so
I’m writing you this note to let you know that I’m
thinking of you. I love you.

See you soon.

X O X

D

She smiled and folded the note and put it under her pillow.

“Love notes, huh?”

She blushed. “Yeah.”

Fin shook his head. “Be careful. Things like that can turn into marriage and the next thing you know we’ll have little Bensons skittering around under our feet.”

She laughed at that.

“Don’t laugh. Love makes you crazy. When you’re in love, you do stupid things.”

“Like what?”

“I went to the opera once.”

She laughed even harder at that. “I can see you at the opera.”

“I went. I really did. That was some scary shit and the people in the audience were even scarier.”

She stifled a yawn. “How can I be tired when I slept for hours?”

“Overdosing will do that to ya. Go to sleep.”

“You go home and get some sleep too.”

“No way, man. I’ve got a favor to return.”

She tilted her head at him questioningly.

“When I got shot, you sat with me all night that night.”

“I did and I’d do it again. I thought Ken would stay with you but when he left so suddenly I didn’t want you to be alone. I know what that feels like.”

He joked with her. “Stop it, I’m gettin’ all emotional. Go to sleep before you make me cry.”

She closed her eyes, she was so tired.

________________________________________

The Next Morning - Thursday

Olivia opened her eyes and looked around. Yep, still in the hospital, she thought. She felt it before she actually saw it. Teddy was lying beside her.

Dean was sitting next to the bed where Fin had been a few hours earlier. “Hey Gorgeous. Glad to see you’re still with the living.”

She flashed him a huge smile. “I got your note.” She picked Teddy up. “You brought Teddy.”

“He missed you.” Dean couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I was so scared. Hell everyone was scared.” He kissed her cheek. “They’re releasing you as soon as the doctor makes his appearance.”

“Great. I’m ready to go home. Any leads on who did this?”

“We already caught the bastard. It was one of the busboys at the café. We went to interview the staff and he came right out and admitted he’d done it. Apparently one of the agents was rude to him last week. That agent ordered tuna salad every day so he decided on a little payback. Ironically the guy he was after was off yesterday. Now the moron’s up for manslaughter and terrorism and a whole laundry list of other charges. I doubt he’ll ever see the light of day again.”

“I guess you never know about some people, they just snap.”

Dean was thinking of Elliot. “Yeah they just snap.”

________________________________________

A week later

Thursday afternoon at the 1-6

Elliot was sitting at his desk eyeballing Olivia. He’d worked hard at keeping track of her all day. He wondered if this was how a stalker got started. He wanted to try to talk to her. He didn’t know who told her but someone squealed about his confrontation with Porter in the waiting room at the ER. He didn’t’ think it was Porter who did it because she’d never found out about the first time he confronted him. He figured it was Munch or Fin. Because of it she was even more pissed at him than before. Now she wouldn’t answer her phone when he called, she wouldn’t answer her door when he knocked, and, he didn’t think it was possible, but she gave even shorter, to the point answers, when he spoke to her at the precinct. He saw her heading for the stairs to the roof, he waited thirty seconds and followed her up.

“Liv.”

She had just dialed her phone when she heard Elliot say her name. She closed her phone, turned and tried to get away from him but he blocked her way. “No you don’t. We need to talk.”

“Talk? We don’t talk, Elliot. We argue.”

“Let’s just talk this time, okay?”

She crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a defiant look. “Talk.”

“I’m sorry about the other day. I did mean what I said though.”

“How long?”

“What?”

“You said you loved me. How long?”

“I realized it the day you got stabbed. I nearly lost my mind when I saw him slice that blade across your throat and I froze. The thought of never seeing you again terrified me. For a couple of seconds I didn’t know what to do and then I lost it. I’ve never been that out of control before. If I could have gotten my hands on Gitano at that moment, I’d have ripped his throat out with my bare hands.”

“And you’re still blaming me for it,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“No, Liv, I was angry with myself for not doing the right thing, for not saving that boy. I took my anger for myself out on you. I wanted to blame someone else when it was my fault.”

She sighed long and loud. “You keep saying that the boy’s death is you’re your fault. But you really have no idea if you could have saved his life or not. What happened, happened. It can’t be changed. I’m sorry it happened. I’m so sorry that little boy died." A single tear slid down her cheek when she thought of that boy. She wiped it away. "We should be blaming Gitano for his death, not each other. God I wish we could just get past it.” She threw her hands up in defeat.

“I don’t understand why you left so suddenly after that. You didn’t even tell me. I thought we’d worked it out.”

She shook her head. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

“Please don’t get angry, Liv. I’m trying to be civil here.” He touched her arm but she pulled it away.

She started pacing back and forth, her anger at the boiling point. “I think I’ve finally figured it out. It’s always about you. How you feel, what you think, what you want. You thought that we were too close. You said that if we chose each other over the job again then we couldn’t be partners. It’s all about you, you, YOU!” She yelled and poked her finger into his chest accusingly each time she said the word you.

Elliot looked at her hand as she poked his chest. The last time he’d seen her this worked up was when she’d kicked the hell out of a rape suspect. He racked his brain trying to recall what derogatory remark she’d used on him in the locker room later and then it came to him, the poster boy for rage.

“I’m sick of it Elliot. You’re so selfish. You need to think of other people’s feelings for a change. You wanted me to shoot Gitano even though there’s a good chance that you would have died too. Do you have any idea what causing your death would have done to me?

“I, uh, never thought about it that way,” he stammered.

She scoffed at him. “Of course you didn’t. You’re too focused on Elliot’s feelings. You never take my feelings into consideration. You weren’t thinking about how Kathy or your kids would feel if you died and I was the one responsible. It would have killed me and it would have killed them! You were only thinking of what YOU WANTED!”

“Don’t do this, Liv.”

“Shut up. I’m through listening to you. You’re gonna listen to me for a change. I don’t know you any more. What happened to the man I met eight years ago? What happened to my friend, my confidant? You’ve changed a lot. You’re so angry and violent all the time. Sometimes you even scare me.”

“I . . I’m sorry,” he stammered. He didn’t know how to respond to her tirade.

She realized she was yelling and softened her tone considerably. “Do you know that I’ve always envied you?"

He shook his head no.

"In my eyes, you’ve had it made. You have a woman who has loved you for over 20 years. You have four wonderful children and one on the way. You have a family, Elliot. A FAMILY! You have everything I’ve always wanted my whole life, and you threw it all away like it was nothing, yesterday’s garbage. Then you say you love me.” She paused for a second, thinking. “We do have a connection . . . something . . . of that I’m certain. But it sure as hell isn’t love.”

“I can’t help the way I feel. Seeing you get stabbed pushed me over the edge. That was the day I realized I couldn’t live without you.”

“You love me, huh? You can’t live without me, huh?”

Elliot dropped his eyes. “Yes.” He didn’t want to believe it but deep down he knew she was right. He’d screwed up his family, 22 years of marriage flushed down the toilet.

“So I’m supposed to be available to you 24-7, ready any time you need me while you’re at home enjoying your family?” She didn’t bother to wait for an answer before she continued, “I don’t want to be the other woman, Elliot.”

Elliot interrupted her. “It’s not like that at all.”

She cut him off. “I’m tired of being alone. You have no idea what it’s like to spend your whole life alone. You go home from work to an empty apartment and you don’t speak to another human being until the next day at work, night after night, year after year. I want someone to go home to. For once in my life I want to feel needed, loved. I’m ready for a real relationship . . . . and, whether you like it or not, that relationship is gonna be with Dean Porter.”

Dean Porter, he thought. She just had to bring him up. He laughed.

She glared at him. “What’s so funny?”

“He’s just another in a long line of men through Olivia Benson’s revolving front door.”

She slapped him hard leaving an angry, red imprint of her hand on his face. “You’re an ass, Elliot. You can go on and on about my sex life but if you’re so in love with me then why did you knock up your ex and then move back home? And, while we’re on the subject of sex, rumor around the office is that you were screwing Dani Beck too.”

He reacted as if she’d hit him again.

Captain Cragen appeared on the roof. “That’s it. You two are on suspension. Collect your things and get out of my sight.”

___________________________________________________

Olivia was livid. She got to her desk, threw her badge down, took her gun out of its holster and sat it beside her badge. She stood there for a few seconds trying to decide what to do. She let out a long sigh and looked from Elliot to Cragen and in a tired voice said, “I quit. Do you mind if I clean out my locker tomorrow? I’m just not up to it right now.” The entire squad room fell silent and she could feel everyone’s eyes on her but she no longer cared.

Elliot jerked his head up when he heard what she said.

Cragen was taken aback and he tried to reason with her. “It’s just a couple of days, you don’t have to do anything that drastic.”

“I can’t do this any more, Captain. I just can’t.” She grabbed her keys and walked toward the elevator.

Elliot ran after her. “Liv. Don’t do this.”

She gave him a look that would stop any sane person from even thinking about speaking to her but Elliot stood his ground.

“Liv, don't do this. Talk to me.”

“Goddamn it Elliot.” She spat the words out not bothering to be discreet at all. “Talking is what got us in this mess in the first place. “Leave me the hell alone.” The elevator doors opened and she got on and punched the one button.

Elliot started to get on the elevator too but Captain Cragen held his arm, keeping him from following her. “Let her go. She needs to cool off.”

__________________________________________________

Olivia’s apartment a few hours later

Dean banged on her door for the tenth time. “I know you’re in there. Let me in.” He had a key to the door but she’d locked the chain on the inside and he couldn’t get in. He was about to force his way in when he heard her moving around.

Olivia drug herself off the couch, slid the chain free and turned to go back to the couch, tripped over her own feet and fell.

Dean rushed to her side immediately concerned for her. “Hey are you alright?” He grabbed her arm, helping her up. She smelled of alcohol and Dean was glad he left work early to check on her.

“Lemme go.” She pulled her arm out of his grasp, got up off the floor and flopped on the couch.

He saw the nearly empty bottle of Jim Beam on the coffee table, picked it up and held it out to her. “It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon. A little early for this, don’t you think?”

Her speech was slurred. “Naw I jus needed somethin’ to calm my nerves.” She reached for the bottle and he held it out of her reach.

“You’re drunk. I think you’ve had enough. I’m gonna make some coffee.” He took the bottle in the kitchen and dumped the contents down the drain.

“I don wan coffee.” She pouted.

“I’m making coffee and you’re going to drink it and sober up.”

**silence from the living room**

He started the coffee and went to check on her. She was passed out or asleep, he didn’t know which. Her neck was in an awkward position and he couldn’t let her sleep like that. He picked her up and carried her to bed, covering her up with a comforter that he found at the foot of the bed. He picked Teddy up off the nightstand and put him in the crook of her arm. He brushed the hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. “Sweet dreams Gorgeous.”

While Olivia slept Dean went shopping. She hadn’t bought anything since he threw out the rotten hamburger, lettuce and bad milk several weeks ago. The only edible food she had in the apartment was a half a dozen eggs and he wasn’t sure how old they were. He returned a few hours later loaded down with groceries, put them away and went to check on her. He sat down on the bed beside her and she woke up. “Hi.” He said.

Her head felt foggy and she definitely had a hangover. She looked around. “How did I get in here?”

“You fell asleep on the couch with your neck in a painful position so I carried you in here where you’d be more comfortable.”

“Thanks. How did you know I was home?”

“Your Captain called me. Everyone at SVU is worried about you.”

“I quit today,” she said quietly.

“So you came home and drowned yourself in a bottle?”

“Yeah, well. . . .” she shrugged it off.

“What’s going on Olivia? Please talk to me.”

She covered her head up. “I don’t feel well. I wanna be alone.”

He pulled the blanket off her face. “No you don’t.”

“I’m sure Cragen or Stabler or any one of the 15 other people who witnessed it will fill you in. Go talk to them.”

“I want to year it from you.”

She rolled over, ignoring him.

“Please talk to me.”

“I’d like you to leave.”

Dean lay down on the bed beside her.

She felt his weight on the bed. “What are you doing?”

“Getting comfortable,” he said matter-of-factly.

“I asked you to leave.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you still here?”

“I care about you and I’ve fallen in love with you, and I know that as soon as I leave you’re gonna to dive into another bottle and I refuse to let that happen.”

She sighed long and loud and was about to fly into him when she realized what she was doing. Dean just said that he loved her. He’s said it multiple times. He loves her. . . . she’s always wanted someone to love her and here she was pushing him away. She was in such a bad mood that she didn’t care.

“I’m right here if you need me. If you get hungry, I’ll fix you something.”

She couldn’t help but snort. “Good luck.” She said sarcastically knowing that there wasn’t anything edible in her apartment.

“You’d be surprised at what I can cook up.” Dean smiled because he’d just gotten enough groceries to last them both at least a week. “You can try to get rid of me but it’s gonna take more than your foul mood to drive me away.” He silently hoped she’d come to her senses by morning.

________________________________________________

The next morning . . . Friday

Olivia was watching Dean sleep. He was so handsome. She was having a tough time believing that he loved her even though he’d told her over and over. His actions certainly proved it. If he didn’t love her, he wouldn’t have put up with her pissy mood last night or the bouts of whining and crying she’d been going through for weeks. She felt bad because of the way she’d treated him. He was trying to be there for her and she was pushing him away. The thought of letting go, letting herself love him, letting herself need him terrified her. It seemed like such a simple thing to do but it was something she just couldn’t do, not yet. She realized that she was more afraid of that than facing down a gun wielding perp.

Dean opened his eyes and saw her looking at him. “Hey Gorgeous.”

“Hey.”

“How do you feel?”

“Like I drank a fifth.” She rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling.

“You almost did. I poured the last swallow down the drain.” He yawned, stretched and rolled on to his side, facing her.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why me? Why did you pick me?”

Dean was taken aback by her question but answered it as truthfully as he could. “At first it was because I admired you and I was attracted to you. And I've come to love you. You’re such a fascinating person that I can't seem to get enough of you.”

She bit her lip. “You must have met a lot of other women who are a thousand times better than me. Why me?”

“I just told you. And no I haven’t met anyone who is better than you. Hell I’ve never met anyone quite like you at all. You’re special. You’re one-of-a-kind Olivia Benson and I want to be with you. Why is that so hard for you to accept?”

“Because I’m a mess. I’m on this emotional roller coaster and I don’t know how to get off.” She closed her eyes, still chewing on her lip.

“I’d like to help you if you’d just let me.” Dean reached over and tugged on her arm. “I love you. I wish you would stop fighting it and let it be.”

When he touched her arm, she opened her eyes and realized that he wanted to hold her. She melted into his arms. “Don’t you have to work today?”

“I told them I’d be in after lunch. I wanted to make sure you were okay before I left.”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Will you promise me that you won’t crack open a fifth the minute I leave?”

“I promise. Now go before we’re both unemployed.”

He hesitated. He didn’t want to leave her alone.

She got up and pulled him out of bed. “Get your rump in the shower and then get it to work.” She said sternly.

“Okay but only if you join me in the shower.”

“Hmmmm I could use a shower.”

___________________________________________________

Huang’s Office – Friday afternoon

Dean sat down in one of the chairs in front of Huang’s desk. “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.”

Huang suspected this visit was about Olivia. It was the least he could do for her. “I’d just be sitting here falling asleep over this paperwork anyway. What’s on your mind?”

“I had two years of psych in college but that hasn’t helped me at all where Olivia is concerned. I’ve fallen in love with her and I could use a little help in understanding some of the things she’s going through.”

“Like what?”

“She actually thinks that because her mother was raped and forced to raise her that she’s not worthy of being loved. I tell her I love her but I don’t think she believes me. How can I help her understand that I love her?”

Huang knew exactly what he was talking about. She had a problem understanding love. From the tidbits of her life she’d shared with him over the years, he’d gleaned the fact that Olivia Benson had never truly felt loved in her life. It was something that she wanted desperately but it always remained out of her reach. And now Dean Porter was sitting here telling him that he was in love with her. “Keep telling her that you love her but the best thing you can do is to show her that you love her. Actions sometimes speak louder than words. It’ll take time but she’ll eventually get the picture.”

“She told me that she used to sleep around. Do you think that’s some sort of sexual addiction?”

First Elliot said it and now Dean was sitting here confirming it. Huang was worried by this revelation. “I’m just speculating here. Her mother may have slept around when Liv was little. Sometimes people associate sex with love and if her mother did it then Liv would have learned from an early age that that’s how one obtains love. She’s not still doing it, is she?”

“In the past few months she’s spent so much of her free time with me that she hasn’t had the time but she did tell me that she hasn’t been on a date since before she went under cover in Oregon and I believe her. I don’t think she’s been lying to me.”

Huang was relieved. “If it were a true sexual addiction, she wouldn’t be able to stop. With addicts it’s a compulsion, they can’t just stop for a few months and certainly not over a year.”

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. That was a weight off his mind. “Her childhood was a polar opposite of mine. Mine was like a fairy tale compared to what she had to endure. I know that a person’s childhood experiences stay with them their whole life and I want to understand how what she went through affects her now. I want to know how I can help her get past it.”

“You had a good childhood?”

“I did. My parents were very funny and loved to laugh and cut up with us. They were supportive and encouraging, real role models. I have four older sisters too. My grandparents on my father’s side were also a big part of my life. They were both FBI Agents and they’re the reason why I’m where I am today.”

“That sounds great. Are you close to your parents or sisters?”

“My parents and my grandfather died last year.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dean nodded a silent thank you to him. “I’m sort of close to my sisters and my grandmother. I don’t see them as much as I’d like but we do get together every couple of months.”

“Olivia would really benefit from seeing how a normal family interacts. She’s probably never seen something like that. In her job she sees plenty of dysfunctional families, some of which mirror what she went through as a child but she never sees normal families.”

Dean smiled to himself when Huang mentioned a normal family. He’d never thought of his family as being normal. “She’s already met one of my sisters and her family and this weekend she’ll meet the rest of the bunch and my grandmother.”

“That’ll be great for her.”

“I’ve heard that you’re a great profiler.”

“Yes and?”

“You’ve worked with Olivia for years. I’m sure you know her pretty well. I’d like you to profile her for me.”

Huang had never profiled someone who hadn’t committed a crime. He didn’t see any harm in doing it so he gave it a shot. “Liv knew from an early age that she was different from other kids. No father, no brothers or sisters. Her mother was an alcoholic who didn’t love her and resented the fact that she was born. She spent her school years trying to keep her mother’s drinking a secret. She was a loner who had no friends, no one to talk to, confide in, look up to. Instead of playing she spent her childhood surviving. The emotional trauma she went through is enough to defeat a lesser person. But it made Olivia stronger and very compassionate. She learned how to fend for herself, learned that the only person she could really trust was herself. She searches for the one thing that’s eluded her her whole life. . . love and now that she’s found it, she’s afraid of it so she works hard at making you think she’s not worthy of being loved.”

Dean swallowed hard. “Wow. You’re good at what you do.”

“Thanks.”
____________________________________________


Saturday morning Olivia’s apartment

Dean let himself into Olivia’s apartment with his key. He found her still in bed.

He sat down on the bed beside her. “Hey Gorgeous. I thought you were going to Tim’s birthday party with me.”

“Dean I, uh, I’m not up to being around people. I’m just not in the mood.”

“You want to sit here all by yourself and mope and I’m not gonna let you do that. Get dressed and let’s get going.”

“No.” She shook her head at him.

“Fine. Then I’m not going either.” He leaned back against the headboard and crossed his arms defiantly.

“You can’t let those kids down. You go. I’ll be fine. I want to be alone.”

“No.” He used the same tone of voice she’d used earlier.

She tried to reason with him. “I’d just be an old stick in the mud. No fun at all.”

“I don’t care if you go and don’t say a word all day. I just want you to go. Please reconsider.” He flashed her his best puppy dog eyes. That look always worked on his sisters and he hoped it would work on Olivia.

She couldn’t believe him. He looked so cute. She sighed. “Alright but don’t expect me to be the life of the party.”

He kissed her on the cheek. “I don’t expect you to be anything but yourself.”

___________________________________________________

Later that day at the birthday party

It was a huge party with kids running everywhere. She’d stopped counting at 25 and there were more. And tons of people. Olivia didn’t have much experience at social gatherings like this. The only times she’d been in a crowd was when she used to bar hop picking up men. She cringed at that thought.

Dean looked like he was having fun. The kids had been all over him the minute they got there but he extracted himself from them pretty quickly and stuck by her side, not wanting her to be alone. She let him tow her from person to person introducing her as his girlfriend. He has more relatives than I have friends, she thought after Dean introduced her to yet another relative. The faces were becoming a blur and she’d long ago given up trying to remember their names.

Dean snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. “Are you still with me?”

She realized she’d been staring into space. “It’s a lot to take in. So many people. I, uh, I’m not used to this sort of thing.”

“Do you want to leave?”

Oh how she wanted to leave. She was tired of being nice to strangers, faking her smile but she didn’t want to disappoint him. “No.” She lied.

“Good. There’s someone special I want you to meet.” Dean pulled her into the house and he gestured to an old woman in a wheelchair watching TV. “That’s my grandmother. She’s in here avoiding the kids. They make her nervous. Would you believe that she used to be an FBI agent?”

“Really?” Olivia was impressed.

“She was the third ever female FBI agent. My grandfather was also an agent. They met at the same Federal Building where I now work. I’m where I am today because of them.” He beamed with pride.

“Hey Gran.” He said in a sweet voice.

“Dino. I’m glad you could make it.” She said loudly.

Olivia grinned at him and arched her eyebrows. “Dino?” She whispered in his ear.

Dean looked embarrassed. “Uh Gran, don’t use that name.”

She used the same loud voice. “Why not? I’ve called you Dino since you were knee high to a grasshopper.”

“Well I’m all grown up now. There’s someone I want you to meet.” He put his arm around Olivia. “Grandma Porter meet Olivia Benson, my girlfriend.”

Gran looked Olivia up and down and grinned from ear to ear. She stuck out her hand and Olivia shook it. “I’m so happy to meet you.” She looked at Dean. “It’s about time. I was beginning to think you were a monk or gay.”

He laughed. “I’m no monk Gran and I’m not gay.”

She gave Olivia a coy smile. “Is that true, hun?”

It was Olivia’s turn to be embarrassed. She recovered pretty quickly. “He’s certainly not gay and if he’s supposed to be a monk he’s definitely broken his vows.”

“That’s good. Honey could I talk to Dean alone for a minute?”

“Sure. I’ll, uh, be over there.” Olivia pointed to one of the many empty tables set up about 10 feet away.

Gran motioned for Dean to squat down next to her chair and he did. She leaned over toward him and in a loud voice said, “she’s a pretty one but she’s awfully bony. Give that girl a sandwich!”

Dean laughed. “I think she looks just fine, perfect.” He winked at Olivia.

Gran continued in the same loud voice, “she needs a meal.”

Dean glanced at Olivia who was trying hard to keep a straight face and pretend that she didn’t hear what Gran was saying. He knew she could hear her because Gran was talking so loud.

“I’ll get her a sandwich.”

“Good. While you’re at it get her some cake too.”

“I will.”

“How’s the sex?”

All color drained from Dean’s face. “Gran! That’s none of your business.”

“Honey loving someone is great but good sex is the key to keeping a relationship going.”

“I got it.” Dean tried to leave but Gran grabbed his arm.

“I’m not done with you.”

He glanced at Olivia again who now had her hand covering her mouth stifling her laughter. Her eyes were definitely laughing.

“Foreplay. Women want foreplay. No wham, bam, thankyoumaam. Most men dive right in and leave the woman high and dry.”

Dean blushed and cut her off. “Okay Gran. I got it.

“And the secret to a woman’s pleasure is the little button on the outside.”

“Gran!” Dean put his face in his hands.

“Well did you find that yet?”

“I found it. I found it.” Dean was about to die of embarrassment. “I, um, I, uh gotta go.” He kissed her on the cheek and made a hasty retreat towards Olivia who could no longer contain herself and was dabbing the tears of laughter away from the corners of her eyes with a napkin.

Gran yelled after him. “You two are gonna make the cutest babies.”

He took Olivia by the arm and waved at Gran as they walked away.

“Your face is so red.” She giggled.

He rolled his eyes. “I just got sex advice from my 96-year-old grandmother! How embarrassing is that?”

“It was very . . . touching . . . . . Dino.” She busted out laughing.

“Oh God. Not you too.”

“It’s a cute nickname. How did you get a nickname like that?”

“I used to like The Flintstones and I had a stuffed Dino that I took with me wherever I went. I wouldn’t leave the house without him and I used to throw a fit if they tried to get me to leave it behind.”

“Oh yeah, their ‘dog’.” She made the quote signs with her fingers in the air.

“How old were you when you gave it up?”

“I don’t know, six or seven but that nickname stuck and Gran has always called me that.”

___________________________________________

Later on the kids cornered Dean and asked him to show them some tricks on the trampoline.

“Have you ever jumped on a trampoline?”

“Nooooooo. It’s not something I’m going to do either.”

“Do you mind if I jump?”

“This is something I gotta see.” She followed him outside to the trampoline. There was a crowd of kids already there waiting on him.

Dean got on and did several flips with the kids egging him on.

Olivia couldn’t watch. He was jumping so high and there wasn’t anything to stop him from flying off. She was afraid he was gonna break his neck. “Uh Dean. I’m gonna go in and get something to eat.”

He jumped off the trampoline and landed right in front of her, only inches from her and it startled her for a second. She regained her composure, “You look like you’re having fun. Stay. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.” Olivia wandered to the buffet table and made herself a heaping plate of food. For awhile she was able to forget about the events of the last three days and she was surprised at how much fun she was having. She sat down at an empty table and started eating. She was starving. She had hardly eaten anything since her bender Thursday night.

Gran rolled up to her. “It looks like you’ve got a healthy appetite. That’s good. Eat up.”

Olivia smiled at her. “Dean told me that you were an FBI agent.”

“I was. I loved that job.”

“There’s a black and white picture in Dean’s apartment of him, as a little kid, wearing what looks like an FBI jacket. Is that what it is?”

Gran thought for a second and then remembered. “I know what picture you’re talking about. I took it. It was my jacket. Dean loved to wear it even though it was more like a full-length dress on him at the time. He used to beg us to tell him stories about the Bureau. He’d sit and listen to them until his grandfather got tired of talking. Then he’d corner me for more. There were only so many interesting stories to tell so we eventually started making stuff up. I wonder if he ever realized that we told him tall tales?” Gran chuckled at that thought.

Olivia smiled. She could picture Dean as a little boy being mesmerized by those stories.

“What do you do for a living?”

That question caught her off guard. “I, uh, I’m a Police officer.” Olivia lied, a pang of guilt stabbing her heart but she didn’t want Gran to think she wasn’t employed and she had been employed up until three days ago she reasoned with herself.

“That’s a respectable profession. How long have you known Dean?”

“For a little over a year.”

“And he’s just now bringing you around? I’m gonna kick that boy’s butt for keeping you a secret all this time.”

“We’ve only been dating for about three months so go easy on him.”

Dean didn’t want to leave Olivia alone for long and he went looking for her. He saw her sitting at a table talking to . . . Gran. He practically ran to the table. He didn’t want Gran giving her any sex advice. “Hey Gran, isn’t it time for your nap?”

Gran leaned over to Olivia and whispered loudly. “He’s trying to get rid of me. He’s afraid I’m gonna embarrass him.”

Olivia laughed and wondered if, after the sex advice she’d already given him, there was anything left to embarrass him with.

Dean sat down with them.

“Get yourself some food, boy.” Gran motioned toward the food.

“I’m not leaving you alone with Olivia.”

Gran laughed and got a twinkle in her eye. She leaned over to Olivia again. “I’ll call you.” With that she backed her chair up, turned and rolled away, chuckling the whole time.

“You didn’t give her your phone number. . . did you?” He was afraid to hear her answer.

“Of course I did.” Olivia kidded him.

___________________________________________________
_________________

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. . . .

[9Catsz]

Part VI – A New Beginning

Huang’s Office the following Monday

“Captain Cragen said he suspended you and Olivia and than she quit.”

“You got it.”

“What happened?”

“Liv and I had another fight and Cragen caught us.”

“And that fight was about?” Huang asked. Elliot didn’t look as angry today as he usually did. He looked more defeated than angry. “I really am only here to help you. I swear that anything you say will be between you and me unless you give me permission to reveal what was said. It won’t ever leave this office.”

Elliot nodded his head in acknowledgement.

“Can you tell me why you’re so possessive of Olivia?”

“I’m afraid I’m going to lose her.”

“How do you think that makes her feel?”

“I don’t know, angry I guess.”

“How would it make you feel if she was acting this way towards you? If she had to know your whereabouts at all hours of the day and night, if she had to know who you dated, who you spent your time with, who you spent the weekend with, who you . . .”

Elliot cut him off. His tone of voice was that of utter defeat. “I understand. I’ve got to let her live her life.” He had decided to actually talk to Huang. He needed to talk to someone before he exploded. He realized that he’d been using Olivia like his personal counselor for years telling her all his problems, everything. Only now she was the problem and she was gone. He no longer had that release and it was building up inside him. He felt like he had nothing left to lose so he blurted it out. “I told Olivia that I loved her.”

Elliot’s confession just confirmed exactly what Huang had been thinking for months. Elliot loved Olivia. “How did she react to that?”

“She got angry.”

“Did she say anything?”

“She said plenty. She said I was selfish and that I don’t think of anyone else’s feelings but my own. She said I was angry all the time and that sometimes I even scared her. Oh and she called me an ass.” He didn’t know why he added the ass part.

“How did that make you feel?”

Elliot looked at his hands and shook his head. “At the time it just made me angrier at her but now that I’ve had time to think about it I realize that she’s right. . . . I am selfish and I am angry. I just don’t know how to change.”

“Changing your behavior takes time. It took you a long time to get to this point but you’ve just taken a step in the right direction. Admitting you have a problem is a very hard thing to do but it’s the right thing to do.”

“I did it. . . and nothing’s changed. Liv’s still gone. I’m still suspended.” He put his head in his hands. “Everything’s falling apart.” It was all he could do to keep from crying. “Kathy and I are working on our marriage. I’ve been a terrible husband and father. Sometimes when I’m with Kathy I can’t help but think about Liv. I wonder what she’s doing, if she’s lonely.”

Huang nodded, “Go on.”

“Last year she told me that she’s been alone her whole life and at that moment all I wanted to do was hold her, make her see that she’s not alone. During our last fight she said she was tired of being alone, that she was ready for a relationship with Porter.” He couldn’t mask the disgust in his voice when he said Porter’s name.

“How did that make you feel?”

“I should have been happy for her but instead I was jealous. I’m still jealous.”

“Do you think you’re the only person who can love her?”

Elliot was taken aback by that question. “Uh, no.”

“At least when she’s with him she’s not alone,” Huang reasoned.

Elliot sat up and looked at him. He’d never thought about it that way.

“Olivia chooses to be with him. She must see something good in him. She must like him.”

Finally it dawned on Elliot. “You’re right. If he was an asshole, she’d have kicked him to the curb already. Liv won’t take shit off any man.” Elliot shook his head realizing just how wrong he’d been. “Except me. Apparently I’m the only asshole in her life that she’s given more than one chance and I’ve managed to blow it every time.”

“Did you know that it’s very common in male/female partnerships for one or both of the partners to have feelings like you’re having for Olivia?”

“No.”

“You haven’t acted on it yet, have you?”

Elliot couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. He looked at Huang. “Are you asking me if I’ve slept with her?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve never even hugged her!” He said incredulously.

“Have you thought about sleeping with her?”

“I think you’re getting a little personal here, Doc.”

“When you think of sex, do you think of Olivia?”

“No.” He scowled and shook his head at him. He’d never thought of his partner in that way. “It’s not like that, Doc.”

Huang nodded. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. “There are all different kinds of love Elliot. Your love for Olivia isn’t physical, it’s something more. You love her as a close friend, a confidant. She holds you up and supports you when you’re down. You probably do the same for her. But you actually do love her as much as you love your own family.”

“That’s it. I’d give my life for Kathy, my kids and . . . Liv. How is it possible for me to love two women?”

“Anything is possible but the fact that you haven’t acted on it makes me think that deep down you’re still in love with Kathy.”

“I am. It’s just that we had grown apart and I was spending so much time with Olivia that it really hurt Kathy. Kathy had her parents and her sister and the kids and me but Liv didn’t have anyone. I thought she needed me more than Kathy did.” Elliot paused, thinking. “You know Olivia saw it coming years before Kathy asked for the divorce.”

“She did?” Huang was intrigued.

“She told me that I shut Kathy out and if I didn’t stop doing it I’d lose the best thing that ever happened to me and she was right.”

“I thought you’ve moved back in with Kathy.”

“I did. We’re working out our problems.”

Huang nodded. He couldn’t believe it. Elliot was actually opening up to him.

“But she said my love for her was wrong.”

“Who said that?”

“Liv did, when I told her that I loved her.”

“Do you think that she thought you meant love as in lust?”

“Judging by her reaction, lust has to be what she thought.”

“Can you understand why she’d be upset?”

“Yeah.” Elliot got a hopeful look on his face. “Could you talk to her, explain to her what you just told me?”

“Why don’t you talk to her?”

“I’m not even gonna try. She’s so mad at me that it would be a suicide mission if I approached her.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“She actually slapped my face during our last argument and let me tell you, she packs one hell of a wallop.” Elliot absentmindedly touched the left side of his face where she’d slapped him.

Huang winced at the thought of Olivia packing a punch. “What have you got against Dean Porter?”

Elliot groaned.

“I think Olivia loves him.”

“I liked it better when she only dated every now and then.”

“Because she’s not spending all her time with you?”

Elliot sighed. “I’m being selfish again.”

“What do you think?”

He lowered his gaze. “I’m being selfish.”

“She deserves a little happiness in her life and I know if you’d just see them together, you’d realize that he’s been a good influence on her.”

Elliot knew he was right but it was gonna take everything he had to let go of her. Give up what he thought he could have with her but he knew it was the right thing to do.
_______________________________________________


Wednesday – Dr. Huang’s Office

“Thanks for coming, Liv.”

Olivia wanted answers. That was the only reason she could think of as to why she was sitting in Dr. Huang’s office. When Huang called and asked her to meet him, her mind screamed nooooo but her mouth said yes. “I don’t know why I agreed to see you. I don’t work for SVU any more.”

“I think you’re here because you’re confused and you want help.”

She nodded her head in agreement. She was fidgeting and couldn’t help it.

“Yesterday Elliot revealed to me that he told you he loved you.”

She snapped to attention. “I can’t believe he told you that.”

“Well he did.”

Elliot must want to get fired, she thought. In his defense she said, “He’s never even hugged me.”

“He told me that too. How did it make you feel when he said he loved you?”

She bit her lip. “I, uhhh, confused, angry. I’ve never looked at him that way. He’s my partner and besides he already has a family.”

“Love isn’t just about sex. Are you aware that there are all kinds of love?”

She shook her head from side to side while staring at a stack of Huang’s books on his desk. She noticed that they were in a different order than last time. “I’ve never really given it much thought. Love is something I haven’t had a lot of experience with. My own mother didn’t love me and the men I’ve dated in the past, well, they certainly didn’t date me because they loved me.” She was wringing her hands.

He couldn’t believe his good luck. Elliot had finally opened up to him yesterday and now he was finally getting somewhere with Olivia. She looked a little uncertain as to whether she should keep talking so he encouraged her, “Please continue.”

“In high school I was in love with a guy who was about 20 years older than me and Elliot pointed out that he was probably a skel who liked ‘em young. That conversation got me to thinking. That guy never once told me he loved me. Elliot was right. He probably was a skel and I desperately needed to feel loved and fell for the first guy who gave me some attention.” She realized what she’d just told Huang and glanced at him. “I, uh, I’m really not that pathetic.” She gave nervous laugh.

“It’s okay, Liv. I don’t think you’re pathetic. Don’t be embarrassed by the way you feel. Be glad that you can feel, that you haven’t become apathetic. Be glad that you’re still searching. People need to love and feel loved. It’s a basic human emotion and a strong one. People do all kinds of things for love, even kill for it.” He gave her a few seconds to digest what he’d just said. “As I said before, there are all kinds of love. There is the love a person has for their child which is different than the love a person has for their spouse which is different from the love a person has for a family member or a close friend, a confidant.” He emphasized the words close friend and confidant. “It’s not listed anywhere in the psychology textbooks but there should be a whole chapter geared towards the bond that can form between partnered cops.”

It dawned on her what Elliot must have meant when he told her he loved her. She thought he wanted to sleep with her. Have his wife and her on the side.

“Elliot asked me to talk to you. He was afraid to approach you, afraid you’d pop him the chops again.”

She closed her eyes, tilted her head back and a small sigh escaped her lips. “Don’t remind me.” She’d been so angry at Elliot that she’d actually hit him. She felt tremendous remorse for that. She really wanted to talk to Elliot, apologize for her behavior. She glanced at her watch. “Thanks Doc but I gotta go.”

“We just got started.” He protested.

She got up. “I just remembered I have an appointment and I’m late.” She turned and left.

___________________________________________

On the roof of the 1-6 later that day

They were standing in the same place where they’d had their last argument. Olivia was wondering where to start. “How have you been?”

“Terrible.” Elliot was almost afraid to speak, afraid that he’d say something wrong and she’d go off on him again.

“Me too.” She couldn’t hold it in any longer. She touched his arm. “Elliot. I’m so sorry.”

He put his hand on hers. “So am I, Liv, so am I. I wish I could take back all the nasty things I said to you.” He looked into her eyes for a few seconds until she broke eye contact.

“Look we both said things to each other that we regret. But everything you said about me was true,” she said sheepishly. “I have slept around, I guess that makes me a slut.”

It killed him to hear her say that. “Oh God Olivia. I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes you did because it’s true.”

“Everything you said about me was true. I’ve wrecked my marriage and you made me realize that I am a selfish ass. But I’m working on both of those problems.” He smiled and put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. “This is gonna sound crazy but I don’t like doing this job without you by my side. Just knowing you’re here makes me feel better, even when we weren’t speaking. I’d like to put it all behind us and go on from here.”

She couldn’t believe he just said that. “Go on from here? Aren’t you forgetting something? El I quit. There is no going on.”

“I think you need to talk to Cragen.”

She looked perplexed.

He smiled at her. “Go on. He’s in his office. Talk to him.” He walked around behind her and pushed her gently toward the door to the stairs.

____________________________________

Olivia knocked lightly on Cragen’s door, opened it and stuck her head in. “Do you have a minute?”

He smiled at her. “For you, I have five or six. C’mon on in and sit down.”

She sat down. She didn’t know where to start. “Uhhh, Elliot said I should talk to you.”

Cragen was grinning from ear to ear. “You two are talking again?”

“Yeah. I think we’ve resolved our problem.”

Cragen could hardly contain himself. That was the best news he’d heard all year. If he wasn’t a recovered alcoholic, he’d have a drink in celebration. “That’s great, really great. So when are you coming back to work?”

“Coming back?” First Elliot and now the Captain. This broken record wouldn’t quit. “As of last Wednesday, I no longer work here,” she reminded him.

Cragen got a thoughtful look on his face, “You know I thought I heard you say you quit but since I never saw a resignation I filled out a leave of absence form for you because you forgot to do it before you stormed out of here.”

She looked at him, disbelief written all over her face.

“This job is very stressful and getting detectives who are as dedicated as you is nearly impossible. You know the turn over rate. It’s astounding. You’re so good with the victims. It’d be a sin to let you get away. I didn’t want to lose you so I kept your job open, giving you and Elliot time to resolve your differences.”

She felt incredibly guilty because he stuck his neck out for her again. “Thanks.”

“When are you coming back? We’re swamped with cases.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Great, see you tomorrow. Now get out of here.” He said in his best ‘boss’ voice while smiling at her.

______________________________________________

In Elliot’s car Thursday Morning

There was an awkward silence between them as if both were afraid to speak. Elliot decided to go for it. “How are you and Dean getting along?”

“Fine.”

“Only fine?” He questioned. “You see him nearly every day don’t you?”

“Yes I do.”

“So it’s serious?”

She hesitated. She didn’t know where he was going with this so she was purposefully vague. “I guess. He tells me he loves me all the time.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“It’s not a bad thing. I just don’t know how to respond to it. I’ve never said it back to him and I’m sure he’s noticed.”

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know. Well I think I do. I love being with him.” She couldn’t make up her mind.

Elliot gave her a strange look. “Okay.”

“Do you still hate him?”

“I never hated him, Liv,” he lied.

She knew he was lying and it annoyed her. “You could have fooled me. But hey if that’s what you say then who am I not to believe you,” she said sarcastically.

That went well, Elliot thought. She’s been back for ten minutes and I’ve managed to piss her off already. “I felt threatened by him. I felt like he was gonna take you away from me. I was afraid of losing you and I blamed him.”

“You are not gonna lose me, El that is unless you start picking fights with me again. I can’t do that any more. In the future if you feel threatened by someone or something, please, please, please talk to me about it before you go shooting your mouth off. I can’t do what we did for the last year all over again. I just can’t. I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster these last few months that I’m simply drained. For a change I really need someone to lean on and I’m thankful that Dean has been there for me.”

Elliot felt a pang of guilt mixed with jealousy when she mentioned leaning on Dean. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’ve had my own problems too.”

“I know and I’m sorry that I haven’t been the best friend to you. I plan on doing better from now on.”

“I’ll do that too. Now tell me about Dean Porter.”

“I’m an open book. What do you want to know?”

“You’ve been dating him, right?”

“Yeah.”

“A lot more than one date?”

“Yeah.”

“So it’s safe to say that he’s your boyfriend?”

Olivia chuckled. “Yes.”

“What’s different about him?”

She squinted her eyes at him. ”I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

Elliot knew he was treading on thin ice but he continued. “Please don’t take this as a put down. I don’t mean it like that. Why did he get a second and third date when all those others didn’t?”

“That’s a loaded question, Elliot.”

“I apologize for being so forward but I want to understand why you picked him. You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

“I think I will. I hadn’t really given it much thought until now. He actually picked me. I’ve always chosen the men I date. I like to be in control and if a man asks me out I feel like I’ve lost control and I turn him down.”

Elliot nodded his head as she continued.

“When Dean asked me out I had pretty much given up on dating. I haven’t dated since way before I went under cover in Oregon. I was so disgusted with myself and men and . . . .” her sentence trailed off.

Elliot glanced at her. “And what, Liv?”

“And life in general that when he asked me out I thought what the hell and I agreed to go out with him. But I had to cancel every date we made because something at work always came up. I thought he’d get tired of me canceling and stop calling but he didn’t. Finally one Friday morning I called him and asked him to meet me for drinks that night and we talked until the wee hours of the morning. Something just clicked. I was really impressed with him.”

Elliot nodded his head again.

“How are you and Kathy getting along?”

“Better. Much better. We’ve been going to counseling.”

“You mean other than Huang?”

He chuckled. “Yeah I must really be crazy because I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor.”

“Sometimes it helps to get things off your chest, ya know?”

“I know.”

“Is the baby alright?”

“He’s perfectly fine.”

“He?”

“Yep it’s a boy. I think the kids are more excited about it than we are.”

“That’s good. At least you’ll have help changing the diapers. Make it look fun and they’ll wanna do it all the time.”

“Good idea.” They drove a few blocks in silence. “She’s six months along and has cravings in the middle of the night. Have you ever eaten macaroni and eggs?”

Olivia wrinkled up her nose. “No.”

“Don’t.” Elliot laughed. “It’s really gross.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“Are you gonna produce any baby Porters?”

“No!”

Elliot glanced at her. “Did I say something wrong?”

“I’m never having children.”

“You know what they say about the word never don’t you?” He joked with her. “I hadn’t planned on having any more either, but. . .”

“I mean it.”

He smiled knowingly at her.

“I really mean it Elliot,” she said with more force than she intended.

He didn’t understand her outburst at all. “I’ve seen how much you love kids. Why wouldn’t you want one of your own?”

“I wouldn’t be a good mother. I just don’t have it in me.”

“You’d make a wonderful mother and I can prove it.”

She gave him a questioning look.

“How many children have you interviewed over the years?”

“A couple hundred I guess.”

“I know you, Liv. You are so gentle, so loving, so compassionate with them and they’re not even related to you. Your whole perspective changes when you have your own kid. You’d be like that times ten if any of them were yours.”

She sighed. “I’m the product of two alcoholics, one of whom just happened to be a rapist. Why would I want to pass on those genes?”

“Half of those genes.” He corrected her. “Dean will provide the other half. What? Are his parents alcoholics too?”

“His parents are dead but they seemed like really great people Dean and his sisters really loved them.”

“His sisters?” Elliot raised an eyebrow at her. “You’ve met family?”

“I have.”

“It sounds to me like it’s pretty serious. A guy doesn’t take his date to meet his family unless he’s serious about her.”

“God Elliot. I’ve only been dating this guy for a few months and you’ve already got us married and me in the family way. That’s exactly how his family reacted.”

“I guess they want Dean to be happy and I want you to be happy. In all the years I’ve known you this is the first guy you’ve been serious about. I hope he’s the one for you.”

“How do I know if he’s the one for me? How did you know Kathy was the one for you?”

“I never really dated anyone else but Kathy. After she got pregnant, I pretty much had to marry her or our families would have killed me.”

“Did you ever resent her for that?”

He avoided her question. “It was as much my fault as it was hers.”

“But did you ever resent her because you had to marry her?”

“I used to, years ago, after we first got married. We were struggling to make ends meet, tensions were high. But now it’s like she’s become a part of me. I was miserable when we were apart and I’m sorry but I took most of it out on you. They say you always hurt the ones you love the most.”

“Look at us. Even Gitano could see it. He called us a couple of screw ups and we are a couple of screw ups. We’ve spent an entire year doing nothing but trading insults and hurting each other.”

“Gitano was a murdering wacko that knew how to play with our minds. The way I see it we’re just two confused people doing the best we can.”

“Let’s make a deal.”

“You mean I get what’s behind door number one?” He joked with her.

She laughed for a second but shot him a more serious look. “Promise me that if I say something to you that pisses you off or maybe you don’t get the jist of what I mean that you’ll ask me to explain it to you before you assume anything, before you get antry. I’ll do the same for you.”

“It’s a promise.” Elliot extended his right hand to Olivia and she shook it.

“I never slept with Dani.”

Olivia nodded her head. “I’m sorry I said that.”

“Is it really a rumor?”

“It was.”

It was Elliot’s turn to nod his head.

“I got my purple teddy back.”

Elliot rolled his eyes. “I do not wanna hear about that.”

She laughed. “You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Oh, so you’re not sleeping with the G-man?”

“Not with my purple teddy.”

Elliot put his fingers in his ears and used his knee to steer the car. “I’m not hearing this.” He pictured her purple teddy lying in a heap on the floor of her bedroom.

She pulled on his arm, pulling his finger from his ear. “It’s a bear, Elliot. A soft and cuddly purple teddy bear Dean won for me at a carnival. See what eavesdropping gets you?’

Elliot busted out laughing. “I thought. . . . .” He shook his head from side to side and chuckled some more. “On the other hand, it’s better that you don’t know what I thought.” He kidded her.
_________________________________________

Thursday Evening – Dean’s Apartment

Dean could hardly wait to get home. Olivia had left him a voice mail that said he needed to go straight home and he was intrigued. She had something up her sleeve and he couldn’t wait to see her.

He walked into his apartment to the most wonderful smell. Food. Olivia cooking? No way, She said she couldn’t cook. He walked into the kitchen and there she was . . . cooking. He couldn’t believe his eyes. “You’re making dinner?”

“You’ve got good eyes,” she kidded him. “Don’t look so surprised.

“But you said you couldn’t boil eggs.” He peeked into the oven and couldn’t tell what it was but it smelled great.

“I’m a quick learner,” she lied.

That did it. He could tell she was lying because her voice raised a tiny octave higher when she lied. He opened the lid to the trash can. Olivia tried to stop him but was too late. He reached in and picked up a take home box and read what was written on the side, “Chez Perez, I’ve heard it’s a nice place to eat.” He grinned at her. “You’re busted.”

“I knew I should have taken that trash out.” She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted.

“Hey it was the thought that counts, right?”

She continued to pout.

“You don’t have to be able to cook to impress me. I love you just the way you are.” He thought about what he’d just said. “Hey that’s a song isn’t it?”

She couldn’t keep pretending to pout and then laughed. “I heated up the rolls, though, and they’re not even burned.”

“Alright.” Dean rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Now you’re talking. I love rolls. What’s the occasion?”

“I got a job yesterday.”

“I didn’t know you were looking.”

“Captain Cragen actually held my job open for me.”

“I’m glad he did it. You love that job.” He was dying to know how her partner felt about it. “How did Elliot take it?”

“We had a long talk and we made up.”

His jaw dropped. “You did?” He didn’t think that was possible. He’d been hoping that she’d never see him again.

“Elliot isn’t the jack off that you think he is.”

Dean sighed. He really didn’t like Elliot and he didn’t know what to do. How could he hate the best friend of the woman he loves?

“I know what he said to you at the hospital.”

“How could you know that?”

“A little birdie told me.”

“There were only four other people in that room at the time. I know I didn’t tell and I’m sure Elliot didn’t tell so that leaves three others. Which one was it?”

She shook her head at him. “I’ll never talk. That person did say that he admired you for your restraint. If the tables had been turned, Elliot would have knocked your teeth out in a heartbeat.”

“He was acting crazy, like no one in that room could have any feelings for you but him. And he kept accusing me of hurting you. You have no idea how much I wanted to hit him at that moment.” Just thinking about it made him relive the anger.

“But you didn’t and I love you for it.” She stepped over to him and hugged him.”

He held her tight, rubbing her back and resting his chin on the top of her head. He was shocked. Olivia just said that she loved him. “Uhhh, what did you say?”

“I said I’m glad you didn’t hit Elliot.”

“Uh uh, that’s not what you said.”

She stepped back and looked at his face, confused.

“You said you loved me.”

She thought for a second and then it dawned on her. “I did say that.” She hugged him again. “I love you, Dean Porter.” It felt so good to finally say it out loud. She wondered why she’d been so scared to say it before.

They ate dinner and retreated to the couch.

Dean opened a bottle of wine, poured two glasses and handed her one. “You know I’ve been thinking about our living arrangements.”

“And?” She sipped the wine.

“I’m tired of coming home to an empty apartment and I know that you feel the same way. Why don’t we shack up together and ditch one of them?”

She made a big deal out of looking around his humongous living room. “Well you’re gonna have to get rid of some of this junk because all of your stuff isn’t gonna fit in my apartment,” she deadpanned.

He laughed. “But your stuff will fit in mine. And did I mention that I own this dump? You wouldn’t have to pay rent. Think of all the money you’d save.”

“Ohhhhh, yeah, and I snooped through your closets. Both of them are bigger than my bathroom. I’d actually have money to buy clothes to fill them with.”

He groaned. “Clothes?”

“I love my clothes.”

“I love your clothes too . . . when they’re strewn all over the bedroom floor.” He sat his wine glass on the coffee table. He took her wine glass and sat it next to his then he stood up and took her hand. “Let’s go see how nice they look on the floor, shall we?”

She grinned and followed him to the bedroom.

______________________________________________

Friday Afternoon – Federal Building

Elliot waited for him outside the Federal Building, sitting in almost exactly the same spot as last time. Elliot had some crow to eat. He knew Dean would be getting back any minute from his daily lunch with Olivia and he was going to apologize for being such a dick. The only crime the man committed was falling for her. He should have been happy for her but instead he was immediately jealous of the man. He knew Dean was interested in her the minute he met him. Elliot still didn’t understand why he did the things he did but he was man enough to admit when he was wrong. He saw Dean walking toward the steps and he headed him off.

Dean saw him and pretended like he didn’t. He wanted to avoid any and all contact with Elliot.

“Hey Porter, ya got a minute?”

Dean looked at his watch. “I’m, uh, late for a meeting,” he lied.

Elliot got straight to the point. “I’m here to apologize.”

Dean couldn’t believe his ears and the astonishment was written all over his face. “You what?”

“I apologize for my bad behavior. I’ve been a real ass to you and you didn’t deserve it.”

Dean didn’t know what to say. He was suspicious, though. Elliot had been really ignorant towards him. Maybe this was a trick and Elliot was gonna flip out again. “Exactly what do I deserve?”

Elliot could tell that he didn’t believe him and he understood why. “I’m serious. Olivia and I have worked out our differences and I’d like to start over with you too. I shouldn’t have said and done the things that I did to you. It was idiotic and immature and I am truly sorry. I want to be friends with the man Olivia loves.”

Dean swallowed hard. He wanted to continue to hate him but he was starting to see a glimpse of what Olivia saw in him.

Elliot held out his hand, “truce?”

Dean hesitated for a second and extended his hand and they shook.
_________________________________________

Monday Morning – Huang’s Office

Olivia was starting to like meeting with Dr. Huang every week.

“How are you and Elliot getting along?”

“Fantastic. We’ve talked more this week than we have in the past year. It feels good to finally have my friend back.”

“I’m glad, Liv. How’s it going with Dean?”

“Great.” She unconsciously chewed on her lip.

“But something’s bothering you?”

“How do you know for sure if you’re in love with someone?”

“People tend to be self centered. They think about themselves a lot. When you love someone you think about that person more in one day than you think about yourself.”

She raised her eyebrows and nodded her head in comprehension. “I can’t get this guy out of my head. When I’m with him I feel like, like, nothing I’ve never felt before. I can’t even begin to explain it but it feels good that sometimes scares me.”

Huang was truly happy for her. “Are you in love with someone, Liv?”

She gave him a huge smile. “I am.”

“Does this someone have a name?”

“Dean Porter.”



The End
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Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. . . .